Random Thoughts Before Life as I Know It Changes

This is just a series of random thoughts I want to throw out into cyber space before Carter arrives and my world forever changes.

-There are plenty of things I will NOT miss about being pregnant. Things that really aren't even appropriate for me to put out into public airways. If you've been pregnant before, you'll know what I mean. Suffice it to say, pregnancy-while beautiful and amazing-isn't always glamorous. :)

-I will miss feeling my little one move inside of me. I am at the point now where I'd like to have my abdomen back, but it is such an awesome feeling as he moves, kicks, wiggles, hiccups, and stretches inside of me. I was thinking this morning that despite the pain and discomfort it really is amazing how God created the female body to prepare for childbirth. The way that our entire body changes, adapts, and moves to make room for this child and then to birth him into the world. I will miss watching my husband be in awe of the process. Taylor is very ready for Carter to be here so that he can begin bonding in a way that I have already bonded, but there is something about a husband watching his wife through this process that is very special.

-For awhile now I've been done with advice and preparation. I am a student by nature. I like to study up on things, read, ask questions, and learn. So, for the majority of the pregnancy I have soaked up all I could in mental preparation for the changes. I've read a couple great books, taken several classes at the hospital, and of course visited with good friends and my mom. But, about a month or so ago I realized I was done with that. I had enough mental foreknowledge, and I was ready for the baptism by fire that only comes from experience. It's true there is only so much you can learn by reading and studying before you just have to do it. I'm ready for that. It's going to be new and probably difficult, but let's get on with it! :)

-I'm also tired of well-meaning advice from individuals that is not very helpful at all. I really get tired of being told, "Just wait until..." "...you are sleep deprived..." "...you try to nurse, then you'll see how hard it is..." "...your life will never be the same..." "...you will never have time for that..." "...good luck following that plan..." --- all said in a way that makes it sound like being a parent is the most terrible thing we could have signed up for. I appreciate genuine advice that helps me prepare for the reality of parenting. I do not appreciate doom and gloom put upon me about parenting and decisions we want to make. Especially from fellow Christians. This is a time to rejoice with those who rejoice...not fill our minds with negativity and pessimism. I would be naive to think this will stop after Carter is born, but I pray that I will be able to cling to positive thoughts and surround myself with those that want to encourage and lift us up during a time that will be both incredibly special and hard.

-Taylor and I were given advice by a friend last month to do everything in our power to treasure the first few weeks while the adjustment is difficult and the sleep deprivation gets heavy. He encouraged us to find ways to use the extra awake time to praise God and pray over each other, our marriage, our son, and others as well. I read in my mommy journal today about the suckings of babes as they eat is praise to the ears of God. I pray that as I am awake at 2 am listening to Carter eat that I can soak up those moments that will be so fleeting, and also praise the Lord along with Carter's sweet suckings. I pray that we can remember these sweet, newborn moments,, while exhausting and seemingly long are but a very short time. I want to use these early weeks as times to learn as much as I can about my son and pray over our future as parents. I pray that I will remember that the exhausting cycle and schedule of a newborn and my role in that cycle is to the glory of God. My most important goal as a parent during those first weeks is to provide for Carter's needs. I'm glorifying God by doing that. It will become tiresome and mundane. I will be exhausted and emotional. But, God created this process. It is to His glory, and He will sustain us through this time. I pray that I will not complain nor wish away this time too quickly, but that I will choose to glorify the Lord and bring Him praise as He carries us through the early stages of parenthood.

-While we hate it when people tell us, "Your life will never be the same." in a manner that is just plain negative; Taylor and I have admitted to mourning the end of this early era of marriage. We know life will never be the same. We are looking forward to the change and the next stage of our lives and marriage. We made this choice to start our family, and we are very excited about it. But, we do have moments when we just want to cling for a little bit longer to being just the two of us. In many ways, I think that realization has been very good for us. It has caused us to have several conversations about how to protect and encourage our marriage through our years with children at home. We want to get to the other side of parenthood-to our next set of years just to the two of us-and still know why we enjoy spending time together. We want to look forward in eager anticipation to the time when we can once again be "just us." We don't want to rush our years with children at home, but we absolutely do not want to forget the fact that the children will leave. We pledged to live together til death do us part, and it will be the two of us until that time. The children will be such an incredible part of our lives, but in the end it will once again be just us-and we want to protect that and cherish it even through these years with children at home. I'm thankful for the conversations we have had in this regard, and I look forward to finding out how we can creatively put this into practice.

Well, that's enough randomness for now. What an amazing time this is-unlike anything I have ever experienced!

Resurrection Unleashed

I'm still processing so much from our retreat this weekend. In an effort to help process, I decided to just get on here and bullet some things that were said or talked about this weekend that made an impact on me.

-If we say we need resurrection, then we have to die because God resurrects dead things.

-There are a lot of people living like they just want Jesus' blood (like a get out of hell free card), BUT Jesus is a way of life!

-In Luke 22, Jesus looks at Peter after the third rooster crows. What face do I picture on Jesus? Is it disappointment? Is it compassion? Is it shame? Is it the same face I see on God in response to my sin?

-Jesus' Resurrection reverses the shame of the Fall in Genesis 3. He is alive, right here, right now.

-Sometimes we are living under the guilt and shame of past sin letting the guilt and shame guide our lives. So, what do we do to open ourselves up to the Power of the Resurrection that will take away the guilt and shame?

-Do I believe the resurrection is the best news for the world?

-How do we measure the fruit of the resurrection and how it's unleashed in our lives? Maybe using Galatians 5?

-In Genesis 1 and 2, the stage is set for the resurrection. The Hebrew word for "formless void" means "chaos." God created out of chaos. The God of the Resurrection is the same God that created out of chaos. He created out of chaos in the beginning and He can create out of chaos in my life right now. THAT'S the power of the resurrection!

-In John 19, we see that Jesus is buried in a garden. When Mary comes to the tomb that morning, she mistakes Jesus for the gardener. In a way, Jesus does become the gardener restoring life to the way it was meant to be. Am I willing to let Jesus be the gardener in my life?

-If I was followed around for a month, what fruit would be represented in my life that shows I'm living the power of the Resurrection?

-When we come to believe in the Power of the Resurrection, then we believe that sin, shame, guilt, cities, families, etc. will bow down to the power of God.

-Have an imagination with God so that we can dream with Him of the possibilities that He can redeem.

-What does it say about a God who would choose to descend and get into the middle of brokenness with people? There is a God who enters into the brokenness and mess of life to REDEEM IT! (If you read my Memory Verse 9, this is the other reason I chose John 1:14)

-Do you believe that God has the power to enter your life to rewrite the next _______ years of your life? To redeem what's happened in the previous________ years of your life? This is the Power of the Resurrection!

Like I said, so much to process! Biggest question right now: Am I letting the Power of the Resurrection be Unleashed in my life???

Because it Scares Me

Now that the moving craziness is over, and the last two weeks we have found a fabulous new routine to our new life's chapter-the Lord is beginning to press many things upon my heart. Actually, I'm beginning to wonder if He's always been pressing these things on my heart, but I've just been too busy to pay attention. I'm not going to go into all of them today. Some of them are still so deeply personal that God and I just need to commune about them right now on our own. But, I do want to share one of them.

We received a church email last week regarding the FriendSpeak ministry that some in our congregation participate in. If you are not familiar with FriendSpeak, here's a quick synopsis: This is a ministry designed to teach individuals how to speak English using the Gospel of Luke. Most, if not all, of the individuals involved in this come from a country of Oriental origin. Most of the individuals our congregation works with are students at University of Texas at Arlington. I have always found this ministry fascinating. The goal is not to convert these sweet people, but simply to build a relationship by teaching English using the Bible. However, the "side effect" is often lengthy conversations about Jesus Christ, and many of these individuals begin exploring their own personal relationship with Him. So, back to this past week:

We received an email asking for more volunteers because UTA starts back in session this week, and it's time to be ready for these hungering students. Immediately, I realized I have the time for this now (which I always used lack of time as my excuse while I was teaching). I first thought, "I could do this." Almost immediately another thought crossed my mind, "Well, maybe I should wait and volunteer next semester instead. That way I can see how things are going to look with the college ministry. We are still so up in the air about how busy we will be with those students, and I don't want to over commit myself." I felt good about this thought process. Over committing yourself is not a great God-quality. Cause then your yes can't stay your yes...etc, etc. And, I don't want to wear myself out cause then I can't give 100% to the things I am involved in. So, I decided to go with this thought process, but run it by Taylor as well just for his confirmation. Here's how that conversation went:

Me: I was thinking about doing FriendSpeak.
Taylor: Me too.
Me: I think I'm going to wait until the Spring though.
Taylor: Why?
Me: Well, we don't know what the college ministry is going to look like, and I don't want to over commit myself and not be able to help you out.
Taylor: It's only an hour a week. We just won't schedule any college activities during that time.
Me: oh, okay. (left to my swirling thoughts)

So, just like God designed things in marriage to sometimes be - my husband, unknowingly, set me straight. My real reasons were not fear of over-commitment. There really is plenty of time in my life right now. It's true I want to use it wisely and give my best to everything unlike what I was able to do while teaching, but that was a dumb excuse in this area. Basically, I'm scared. Not of teaching someone to read in English. If you know me at all, you know I'm qualified for that! I'm terrified about what kinds of questions regarding my faith that I might be asked. I don't like doing things I'm not 100% prepared for...with 100% the "right"/"best" answers ready. Well, that's not what God calls me too. Cause He is the Answer, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Therefore, I'm going to go build a relationship with a Taiwanese student that has a need that I can meet. I can meet the need this student will have to strengthen their English reading/speaking skills. This is his/her cup of cold water that I can give! God will take care of the rest of it if I just continue to be obedient to Him! Throughout the Bible He simply encourages us to build relationships! Through that relationship, He makes the sharing of the Gospel happen! So, pray with/for me on this journey. Taylor will be doing this as well. We begin this coming Sunday at 4:00 in the afternoon! I'm very excited, but yes, a little scared. But, once again, in the quietness of this new chapter of my life, I firmly believe God is calling me to this!

The End of an Era

It's finally here. My time to begin letting my to-do list and schedule actually follow the same path as my heart's priorities. School finished today at the end of a very long, emotionally draining week that I may choose to talk about at another time. But, it's over. I moved out my personal things. I turned in my keys. And, I left. For 24 years my life has operated on a school calendar. That will happen again, of course, once we have children in school; but for now I get to revel in what I would do if my life didn't revolve around an August to May schedule. Since I was 5 years old I have dreamed about being a teacher, and for 5 years I have been one. There were parts I thoroughly loved about it. There were parts I could have done without. A brief parent note today summed up the part I enjoyed when it said, "It is because of you that [my son] reads." That touched my heart in a place that is only touched when I'm a teacher.

But, I've reached a point in my life right now where getting up and going to work all day everyday isn't my top priority. When I started teaching, I wasn't married. I needed the job to live on, and I needed the job to provide some substance to my life. Now, I'm married, and I'm dying to make being a wife my top job! I want to be able to serve my husband by having more energy and focus at home. I am going to be able to work from home on my jewelry business touching the lives of other women while my number one focus (after my spiritual walk, of course) gets to be towards my husband and our home. I honestly don't know what to do first. I've longed for months to be at this point because there was so much I wanted to do, and now that I'm here I don't know where to start. Granted, I've only been "here" for 4 1/2 hours. I fully expect to spend the next several days and weeks learning what the rhythm of being a full-time wife while working from home feels like. I'm beside myself excited, but I'm also quietly contemplating how fabulous this feels inside.

So, for now, the teacher part of me is taking a break. Someday, Lord willing, I will open my home and heart to other children that need help learning to read--beginning my own therapy business. There is still a part inside of me that gets such joy from unlocking the door in the child that opens them up to the world of reading; and I want to one day be back doing that again. In the meantime, I am closing the back cover on this chapter of my life, curling up with a brand new book, and longing deeply to see what's inside.

A New Season for The Belts

Today, on this cherished holiday, I get to let everyone know how the good Lord is living in our lives!!! We are embarking on a new journey together, and I'm thrilled to finally be able to share this with you.

For a couple years now, Taylor has been feeling the pull to leave band directing. He loves teaching; he loves music; and he's loved his students. But, the demanding schedule has caught up with him and neither of us are satisfied that a band director's schedule will fit into the way we would like our lives and family to look. Last June, we were blessed to join the Park Row congregation in Arlington here in the metroplex; and Taylor has been serving in a part-time role as the worship minister. Our time with Park Row has been incredibly fulfilling and has allowed Taylor to see more clearly the new passions and direction God is giving him! The elders at Park Row have invited us to stay on with Taylor serving as one of the full-time ministers, and we have accepted their invitation!!! Beginning June 1st, Taylor will be serving full time at the church; and we could not be more excited! He will continue his work with the worship ministry still fulfilling his passion for music. In addition to worship Taylor also has a little-known passion for college-aged young adults. Park Row is situated right next to The University of Texas at Arlington and there is a huge need for a college ministry in this area. This summer, Taylor is going to embark on the journey of building a college ministry from the ground up. At this point, this is one of the most exciting things for us on this new journey! We are getting to be totally open to the Lord's leading and getting an opportunity to get out into the community around the church in ways that have not yet been pursued. It's a very exciting time for both us and the congregation.

So, what does this mean for me? Well, this new season just would not be complete without me making a big change as well. After much praying and talking, Taylor and I have decided to allow this change in his career to also be the time for me to go ahead and transition to staying at home. We knew that would happen when we had kids anyway, and have just decided to go ahead and make this change a little earlier. There are really two reasons for this decision. First of all, as you know, last summer I joined the Premier Designs Jewelry team as an independent consultant. This business has filled areas of passion in my life that I did not know existed. I have loved the ease with which this "job" has allowed to me to get out into the community and minister to women outside of my congregation! I also did not realize how thoroughly satisfying having a home-based business would be to me. I love how I can help our family out financially while being at home and also fulfilling my role as wife at the same time. I am in the process of transitioning this business from part time to full time beginning in June. This will, Lord willing, be able to seamlessly transition into motherhood as well. Secondly, I wanted to have as much flexibility and time as possible to help Taylor out with his new endeavors at the church. I'm fully involved in his worship ministry, and we are still exploring all the ways I can be involved in a college ministry. It is SO exciting to us to work side by side on this journey, and by working from home I will be much more flexible to join him (and HIM) in this work.

Am I done with teaching forever? I hope not. I will be finishing up my training as a dyslexia therapist at the end of this school year. Sometime in the next year I will be taking my Academic Language Therapist exam, and intend to keep up my teacher's license and my C.A.L.T. even while working from home. My goal is to eventually begin private therapy for dyslexia children. Taylor and I are unsure as to the timeline on that journey, but it is something both of us want for me at some point in the future.

For now, this is where God is leading us. Taylor into a full-time supported ministry position, and me to stay home, minister to women through Premier Designs, and serve alongside my husband. In several ways, this is a huge "Abraham and Sarah," leap of faith decision; but it is one we are fully at peace about and so excited we can't stand it!! We will be moving from Lewisville to Arlington this summer to be closer and more involved with the congregation, so that will be a huge thing as well. :)

So many changes...so much God! We love you all! Thank you so much for praying us through this journey!

I Believe...

I took a walk this afternoon. I'm working hard to become a more regular exerciser this year. My mood and my health both thank me for it! Today, the sun was out and the temp above 50 so I grabbed at the chance to walk the dog, get some exercise myself while soaking up some much needed Vitamin D!!! Often when I go on a walk by myself, I use that time alone to think and pray and soak up God's creation. Today, for some reason (aka The Holy Spirit), I found myself changing my request-prayers into believe-prayers. For example,

I believe, dear Lord, that You will heal Jenny. (see The Power of Prayer)

I believe that You are working through me in the lives of my students.

I believe that You will use me to show Christ to the ladies I encounter at my home show tomorrow night.

I believe that You will give Taylor and I wisdom as we make financial changes in our lives.

I believe that You will guide and give purpose to our ministry at Park Row.

I believe that you are daily molding me into a more Christ-like wife.

And, so on and so forth my prayer continued through my entire 25 minute walk. It was one of the most spiritually energizing walks I have ever had!!! I returned home to a short list of housework that needs to be done feeling lighter as I do when I give my burdens over to the Lord. But, I also felt like I had not spent my time just asking for things but truly praising the Lord for Who He is and What He can do! Our God is worthy of praise!

It's a New Year and a New Decade

Question: do you like resolutions? Do you like starting your year with fresh goals and a "to-do list" of the personal improvement variety?

I've learned something about myself in the last year. I like resolutions and setting goals to improve myself. What I don't like is New Year's resolutions. I like resolutions a few at a time whenever it's time to tackle something new. Even if it's August 5th. I think one of the reasons for this is because a long list of resolutions makes me stressed out. Tackling a few things at a time to incorporate into my daily routine is a much better plan for me! So, having said all that, here's a list of a few things that I am currently resolved to make habits. 2010 is going to be a good year!!!

1) Start the day off with Bible study and quiet time - this is 5:00 am on school days. It's really hard, but it's amazing how much better and more Christ-focused my day is when I do this. I've been doing 5:00 am for awhile now; but am discovering I need to add to this resolution the discipline to do this on the weekends and school holidays when my routine is different.

2) Eat healthy and exercise regularly. Summer of 2009 my nutritionist and I made headway on discovering some sensitivities that I have to food, and I was able to learn how to eat in a way that better managed my IBS and chronic fatigue. During the holidays (really from Thanksgiving until yesterday), I didn't stick with it as well; and I'm ready to get back in the ball game. This resolution isn't about losing weight (although I could stand to lose about 5lbs-we'll see); it's definitely about taking care of myself so that I feel good and have energy throughout my life's activities.

3) Allow a change of activity to bring with it rest. For several years now I have developed a sense that if I'm not doing absolutely nothing then I must not be resting. Of course, there is definitely something to be said for being still and quiet and resting! But, I don't need a resolution for that one-I do that well. :) I am working on accepting the fact that sometimes doing something different than my routine can bring plenty of rest. It's been very freeing, and I'm excited to continue to experiment with this.

That's just a handful of resolutions for me. I spent some time over the break thinking about and visiting with Taylor about a few other things that for the time being are going to stay between my God, my husband, and myself. The Lord is really working on me these days, and I'm excited to see what He has in store for me!

What are you resolving to do/be at this point in your life?

Merry Christmas Time is Here!

Cold, snow, hot chocolate, spicey candles, evergreen trees, blue, silver, red, green, wrapping paper, warm blankets, sparkly lights, festive music, cozy fires. These things and many, many more bring this holiday season alive for me!

I have been extremely reflective pretty much since Thanksgiving. The Lord is doing some amazing things for Taylor and me these last few weeks. We are watching with wide-eyed, open-eared anticipation as God moves around and among us opening doors for our future that are beyond our wildest imaginations. As of yet, we know not what 2010 will bring for us, but we do believe it will be big and directly in the will of the Lord. We pray daily for His guidance and that we will simply be obedient, mission-minded followers of His word joyfully going wherever He next sends us. It is completely fulfilling to find ourselves this anticipatory while completely at peace knowing He is working around us in ways we cannot see but faithfully trust!

With these thoughts, anticipations, and joyful unknowns treasured deep inside me, I have entered this holiday season full of so much joy, peace, contentment, and celebration! In just 10 days, Taylor and I will be celebrating our 1st anniversary! What an amazing year this has been! We have each learned so much about each other and marriage. I find myself overcome with moments of pure amazement at how my Heavenly Prince Charming overflowed my cup of imagination when it came to my earthly prince charming! I could not ask to be married to a better man. Taylor is such a Godly man! I love watching him as he wrestles with what it means to be a Godly man, husband, and servant of the Lord. He has grown so much in the year and a half that I've known him! I cannot wait to see what the rest of our life holds!

Taylor and I have made wonderful celebration plans. We are spending next Saturday and Sunday at the Gaylord Texan Hotel here in the Dallas area. We thought it would be somewhat reminiscent of our honeymoon since we stayed at the Gaylord Opryland! :) We are very much looking forward to our weekend away just the two of us! Early Monday morning the 21st, we will be leaving to head to Albuquerque to spend Christmas with my parents and grandmother! We will get to spend a week there enjoying the company and relaxation of Christmas vacation! We are praying for a white Christmas near the mountains, but also praying it holds off til we get through the mountain pass on I40 into ABQ! :)

I'm not sure if I will blog again until the New Year. I am planning on losing myself in the celebration and time with family that this season brings so joyfully! I pray that the Lord blesses each of you with joy beyond your imaginations as you celebrate Jesus Christ and His love!

Merry Christmas!

My Hats

Kristi Renee Belt

-Bachelor of Arts
-Master of Education
-Reading Specialist
-Academic Language Therapist in training
-Premier Designs Independent Jewelry Consultant

I promise I’m not tooting my own horn. I’m processing. These are my current hats (minus being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, servant, and Child of God). These are the things the world sees as accomplishments. I guess in many ways they are. They could explain an extreme need to be successful. I guess that could be true about me, but more than that I think they show my love of learning. Each accomplishment on this list was born out of a desire to learn something new. I could be a forever student—yes, I’m one of “those.”

Lately, however, I feel like I’m drowning in my “accomplishments.” When I set out to accomplish each of the above things, I believed I had God’s blessing. I believed that He would use these things through me as a ministry to Him. Somehow that’s still true, but I’m struggling with it. Because, somewhere at the heart of me, I feel that my true passions and the hats I want to be wearing are being neglected (wife, daughter, sister, friend, servant, and Child of God). It has been affirmed to me that I am not neglecting these things, but rather ministering to each of these at the same time. I appreciate the affirmation, and I’m thankful that God is using me; but why do I feel spread too thin? Why do I suddenly feel that I have put too much time and effort into my accomplishments and not enough focus on becoming like Christ and deeply ministering to His people? I KNOW that I can do both of those things while living out the above accomplishments and successes. But, for now, I FEEL a little lost. I don’t have peace for some reason, and I’m exploring why. Is it because something needs to go? Do my priorities need to change? Is it just a time of wilderness where I can’t feel what God is doing, but He IS living out His promises through me and therefore I must trust and obey? Is there something in me God is molding that my spirit of unease is directing me towards? Surely, it’s not a mid-life crisis right now at the age of 28??? ;)

For now, I’m here. Getting up each day and doing what God puts before me on that day; praying fervently for my next step and His providential direction.

The Disposition of Perfectionism

It is early Sunday morning. My husband gets to church at 7 on Sundays to make sure everything is prepped before praise team practice at 8. Sometimes I take my own car so that I can rest a little more and not be a distraction to him as he works. This morning, I decided to come along with him. I am currently in the middle of Beth Moore's Esther Bible study, so I got comfy on the couch in his office and dived back into the dramatic narrative that is the story of Esther. I'm in the middle of chapter 5. At the end of chapter 4, Esther has begged Mordecai and the Jews to fast for three days and pray as she prepared to risk her life to go before the king. One of the things I had never really noticed before until this study is that Esther tells Mordecai that she has not been summoned by the king (her husband) in 30 days. Her life is at stake because it was against the law to walk into the king's presence without being summoned. But, I believe Esther was afraid her life was at stake for a 2nd reason: because she had not been called in a month. I believe she feared that she no longer pleased her husband enough for him to feel her life worth sparing. How scary!

Chapter 5 begins with Esther going to see the king and requesting a banquet. After extending his sceptor to her, the kings asked Esther in verse 3, "What is it, Queen Esther?" Beth mentions in this lesson that the Hebrew translation for "what is it?" is akin to "what troubles you?" It was apparent to the king that something was wrong. Despite Esther's bravery and determination in fulfilling God's will for her, she was still human and extremely scared and nervous. "What if I mess up? What if he doesn't love me enough anymore to save my life? What if I am unable to save my people?" I believe all of these questions plus many more were going through Esther's mind. And, that's where my mind starting whirling today...because Beth used this dramatic moment in Esther's story to talk about perfectionism. Here's a quote from her study:

"Beloved, do we believe that the only way to do something acceptably is to do it perfectly? Sometimes God is more aware than we of just how much He requires of us. He knows how hard it's going to be for us...Do you happen to struggle with perfectionism and perhaps could use a little ministry? Do you feel if you can't do something to perfection, you ought not bother? Do you frequently feel pressure to perform tasks that will result in applause? When you blow it, do you wait a long time before trying again? Do you feel the need to always make an 'A'?...Perfectionism is a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as being unacceptable...I'm not suggesting we shouldn't do our best. I'm simply saying that sometimes just surviving certain tasks without fallling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will. God isn't interested in our stellar performances but in our hearts. He loves our willingness and obedience despite our insecurities."

I don't even have a good comment on this yet. I'm going to have to spend a lot of time thinking and praying through this idea and concept over the next many days. I have been convicted and in some sense am experiencing some type of spiritual relief, but that relief is currently at war with my nature of perfectionism. So, I need time. I need to pray and meditate on this concept and on the story of Esther. In the meantime, I cannot wait to continue on this journey with this Queen who may not have been perfect, but was bold in the Lord.

Catching Up

Man, it's been a long time since I've posted. Life has changed so much for me in the last few months I guess I've just been to focused on other things to keep this up and going. Here's an update on the exciting things going on in my life:

-Taylor and I went on our first vacation together!!! We spent a day in Amarillo, TX visiting some friends, then 9 days with my parents in Abq, NM, and 1 more day in Deming, NM with one of Taylor's old roommate's and his family. We loved NM!!! Albuquerque was beautiful, and we could have stayed another week! We are going to love vacationing together in years to come!

-We bought a washer and dryer together a couple weeks ago. It was delivered today, and laundry is running as I type! It's really exciting to me to own a washer and drying. Not sure why, but I'm feeling very domestic!

-We are having our first official date night tonight!!!! Batman at a drive-in theatre! I cannot wait!!!!!!

-The wedding is 4 months and 19 days away! Sometimes that amount of time seems just perfect to get everything done. Other times it can't get here fast enough. The planning is going extremely well. All the big stuff (besides recording music and sending out invites) is done, and now we are just handling little things as they come along. Planning a wedding is super fun, and I am so thankful that I have a fiance who is excited about the wedding and is very involved in making our day just perfect! Taylor and I are having a blast being engaged. This summer has been a dream of being able to have limitless amounts of time together after spending 10 weeks apart. Of course, as school gets closer, that time is drawing to a close; but we are thrilled to be living in the same town just the same. We have grown closer together as a couple during the summer spending the majority of our time laughing, talking, and just being together. Yes, we have officially had our first little differences of opinion, but we came out of it better appreciating the love that we've been given! :) We are very ready to be living in the same house and starting our lives together as the Belts!

-I have officially started my training to become a dyslexia therapist. This week was my first week of class. I have two more weeks of training before school starts. We'll meet regularly during the school year for training seminars, and then I'll have more next summer and school year. In the summer of 2010, I will be able to take my ALTA exam which we certify me as an Academic Language Therapist. I am so excited about this new journey in my life. I am exhausted and on brain overload at the moment. The learning curve is huge, but I've been told by October all the craziness of getting started will start settling down. Despite the current overwhelming task, I am loving it. I can't wait to get in there and start meeting with my students!!! I am thrilled that after I complete the exam in '10 I will be able to do private therapy. What a blessing for the future I have been given. I will be able to stay home with my family and do therapy on the side so that I can continue to make a difference in the lives of struggling readers. Once again, I am so blessed to have Taylor as my fiance. He is just as excited as me about this opportunity. He's even told me he'd build a room onto our house if that's what it took for me to be able to do therapy from home!! I love the fact that he dreams right along with me!!!

-Along with the learning curve for becoming a dyslexia therapist, I am learning how to become the best future wife for Taylor that God can create me to be. We have had some difficult times this summer as Taylor has searched and searched for a job, but so far it has evaded him. We are both wondering why he keeps being told, "You've blown us away, your resume is fantastic, but we gave the job to someone else." He's in the process of pursuing plan B as a private lessons teacher, and we are praying so fervently for a good number of students to make themselves available to him. We have prayed and prayed since March (actually, Taylor's been praying since before that) that God would bless him with a position at a school that would be the best fit for him. Obviously, God's plan has not involved any of the dozens of school's he's applied to. But, what is the plan? And, what does being a supportive future wife for Taylor look like for me right now as he strives to be the provider for us? Needless to say, it's been a little bit of a roller coaster this summer. But, we are holding on to God so tightly knowing that despite all of our confusion and questions He will not let us down. He knows the plan, and He will take care of us.

So, that is my catch up in a nutshell. There is much going on. I will try to making blogging a more regular thing, but we'll see where life takes me in the next few weeks!! I pray blessings on all of my readers! My God bless your life journeys with new and exciting (even if difficult) chapters!

"You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you."
Isaiah 26:3

A Selfless Witness

Webster defines "selfless" as "having no regard to self; unselfish." "Witness" is defined as "one who gives evidence regarding matters of fact under inquiry." Therefore, could it be said that A Selfless Witness is "one who gives evidence regarding matters of fact while having no regard to self"? And, if that is the case, what does it mean to be a selfless witness for Christ?

A friend and fellow sister-in-Christ confronted me today concerning some ways that my attitude in recent months had hurt her feelings. Throughout the course of our conversation I found myself realizing that no matter what my "excuses" were or how big or small I might perceive the offending issues two things remained true:
1) Her feelings were real and they were hurt. For that I was sorry.
2) The Lord was using her to show to me the extent to which my attitude in the last several months has become increasingly selfish therefore leading me to become less of a witness to Christ in my workplace. For that I was hurt because I should have known better.

Even as I process and pray through the things I have realized about myself today, my selfish nature wants to argue with me. The selfish part of me is giving me all of the reasons why I was justified in my bad attitude and actions. The selfish part of me is reminding me that I didn't realize I was being selfish at the time, so how could I be held accountable to it? The selfish part of me wants to make sure that I feel okay at the end of the day.

But, I know better. I know that Christ disciplines those He loves so that He can make us more like himself. I know that even "small" things in our book are important things to him. He tells us to "Love our neighbor as ourselves" and that does not mean only when we're not tired or overwhelmed or frustrated. It means always! See, Christ was hurt and mocked and treated badly, and he did not lash out. He didn't lash out at those who hurt him, and he didn't lash out at those that did not hurt him just because they were close by. He loved them. Fully and perfectly. No, I'm not perfect, but I am being transformed daily into the image of Christ. I pray my experience today will serve as a reminder that I still have things to work on. I need to open my eyes a little wider, and turn my ears up a little higher...and pay attention. There are those that Christ is trying to love on through me, and I don't want to miss it! Maybe then I'll be a little closer to being A Selfless Witness!

"When they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. INSTEAD, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and LIVE FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls."
1 Peter 2:23-25

"Love your neighbor as yourself."
Leviticus 19:18

Soaring Like an Eagle

In the portion of a Beth Moore Bible study I was working through tonight, she made a comparison between physical sickness and spiritual sickness. It really struck a cord with me, so in order to process a little more I decided to make my own comparison.

Two years ago I was at the end of my first year of teaching. It had been a long, hard year; but I was confident that I was finishing strong and heading into a wonderful summer of rest. For 6 weeks of the summer I rested and rested. I felt great and had some fun times, but I was resting a lot! After that 6 weeks I hit a wall and started coming down with some type of strange virus. After 2 weeks of being in and out of the doctor, they finally diagnosed me with mono. I spent 3 to 4 months taking very good care of myself trying to recover. This past winter (a year and a half after first having mono) I came to the realization that I have just never been the same. I get sick all the time. I've always required a lot of sleep, but since having mono the amount of sleep I've needed has been unreal. I started seeing a nutritionist and am currently in the process of finally really healing. What I learned is that I had not been eating the way I should to allow my body to fully heal. I'd been letting my stress level increase without realizing what that was doing to my physical body. After the initial healing, I had not allowed myself to let the healing process work to its full scale.

There are a few things from this story that to me make really good parallels to spiritual sickness:
1) Spiritual sickness can seem to come out of nowhere when in actuality it's been strengthening for a long time. I did not suddenly come down with mono in July of 2006. I had been working at getting it for months due to the stress and exhaustion and running down of my immune system that happened during my first year of teaching. In my spiritual life I have noticed before that I will "suddenly" feel extremely empty and lonely and wonder where that came from. The truth will be that I have neglected my alone time with God which at first doesn't affect me drastically, but overtime causes major damage to my spiritual health! Unfortunately, it is all too easy for me say, "Hey-I had a really good quiet time yesterday and I'm feeling good today. I'm just going to read my novel instead." The next thing I know, I will be stressed out to the max and realize it's been a week since I've blocked out time for God-and therefore, I cannot cope with life! The thing about taking care of ourselves physically is that we don't realize how good it is for our bodies to eat right and get good rest and exercise until we don't do it for a while and get sick. The same is true for time with God. We take for granted that every time we spend time with God, our spiritual health gets a little stronger. We may not feel the effects immediately, but we may soon realize we haven't been sick in a long time!

2) Sometimes due to this busy life we don't let ourselves completely heal from an illness before we jump right back into the real world. The same can be true for spiritual illness. Sometimes it can take years to heal from spiritual wounds. Unfortunately many times spiritual wounds are the easiest to hide, therefore delaying the ability to heal. Just like a doctor encourages us to give ourselves plenty of time to be well before returning to normal activities, so does our Great Physician encourage us to spend the time needed in His care to allow our spiritual wounds to be healed with His love.

I am on the road to a much healthier me than I have been since falling prey to mono 2 years ago. Already I feel tons better and it's been only 2 months since starting to work with the nutritionist. I pray that as my body gets back into shape I can remember to keep my spiritual health just as well tended and cared for as I am my physical being. I pray the same for you as well.

"Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:30-31

The Daily-ness of God

While working on Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study tonight, I came across the following story that she penned as a reflection. It really struck a chord with me, so I thought that I would share it with you. (Side note: it starts off sounding very much like the Footprints in the Sand poem, but it's different, so stick with it!)

"Imagine going to heaven and standing by God as He lovingly shows you the calendar of His plan for your earthly life. It begins with the day you are born. Once you received Christ as Savior, every day that follows is outlined in red. You see footprints walking through each day of each week of your life. On many of the days, two sets of footprints appear. You inquire: 'Father, are those my footprints on the calendar every day and is the second set of prints when you joined me?'
He answers, 'No, My precious Child. The consistent footprints on your calendar are Mine. The second set of footprints are when you joined Me.'
'Where are You going, Father?'
'To the destiny I planned for you, hoping you'd follow.'
'But, Father, where are my footprints all those times?'
He answers, 'Sometimes you went back to look at old resentments and habits while I was still going forward, hoping you'd join Me. Sometimes, you departed from My path and chose your own calendar instead. Other times, your footprints can even be seen on another person's calendar because you thought you liked their plan better. At other times, you simply stopped because you would not let go of something you could not take to the next day.'
'But, Father, we ended up OK even if I didn't walk with You every day, didn't we?'
He holds you close and smiles, 'Yes, Child, we ended up OK. But, you see, OK was never what I had in mind for you.'
'Father, what are those golden treasure boxes on certain days?'
'Blessings, My child, I had for you along the way. Those that are open are those you received. Those still closed were days you did not walk with Me.'"

As I get older, I long for more daily-ness in my walk with God-especially in the mundane. This story was so sweet to me and reinforced to me how much I really do long to walk each minute of each day along the calendar that God has in place for me. Just being with Him in His daily presence is enough blessing for me!

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."
2 Corinthians 2:14

His Rule is Right

"God knows our struggles. He knows every authority problem we have. He knows the times our trust has been betrayed. Like a father cupping his rebellious child's face in his strong hands, He says, 'Listen to me...Hear me...I, even I, am he who comforts you...I am the Lord your God!' (Isaiah 51:1, 7, 12, 15)" quoted from Beth Moore

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you. Thank you for your Son through whom I am able to come directly into your presence. Thank you for your continued patience with me as you stretch me and push me to grow even more like your Son. As I spent time today studying your Word, I found myself in awe of your sovereignty. Throughout my life you have been in control, and not only that but your way has been right and best. Father, I can often fight against your way feeling the discomfort of your timing versus mine. But, in the end, your way is still right; and I am infinitely more blessed than imagineable. Lord, I trust you with my whole heart. I lay my future into your hands, and trust you to take care of me. I thank you so much for my relationship with Taylor and for the new job-both rich opportunities and blessings in my life. I lay both of these new and wonderful things before you asking simply that because of them I will bring you glory. I am finding more and more that inexpressible joy is found once pain has been experienced. You have given me a time of inexpressible joy. I pray that when the next trials and hardships come along I continue to find joy in you and worship your name even more whole-heartedly. I love you, dear Lord. In Jesus' name-Amen

"Forget the former things:
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19

There is No Other

Wow! It's so amazing and awesome what God can do in a period of three weeks. These last three and a half weeks have been transforming in my life. God has just continued to show me over and over that His way and His timing are best and that all things work together for good. Obviously, as I have blogged about recently, Taylor is a HUGE blessing in my life. Our relationship is incredible, and what we see God doing in us as individuals and as a couple continues to blow us away on a daily basis. In addition to this change in my life, I have been praying about taking my career in a different direction. I have been burned out this year, and I have always known I wanted to someday find myself working in a more specialized area. I found out on Tuesday that I have been accepted through my district to be a dyslexia therapist next year! I am so incredibly excited! Like I said, it's amazing and awesome what God can do in a period of three weeks! I was reading tonight about God's right to rule and I came across this verse: "I am the LORD, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God." He has been in control the entire time, and He's always known that these last three weeks would come to be. He simply asked me to be patient, walk by His side, and learn about Him a little more so that I could be ready for this time of my life.

On a different note, I really wanted to share a school story from today. We had major, major storms in the area last night that caused a lot of damage in the neighborhoods around my school. The kids came in today fired up and ready to share their stories of missing trampolines and toppled trees. But, my favorite story of all was from a little boy in another 1st grade classroom. Here's how it went:

Boy: "Miss Roof, a subtraction problem happened in my backyard this morning."
Roof: "Oh no, what happened?"
Boy: "I have 4 chairs. 1 blew into the alley. 1 blew into the pool. And 1 blew into the spa. How many chairs are left?"

I guess we're teaching them something, huh? He came to my class today and shared that with my kids, so that we could use his real-life problem as our problem solving for today. It was fantastic! Happy subtracting!

"I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me."
Isaiah 46:9

Becoming like my Savior

I am realizing that my relationship with Taylor pushes me to spend more time with Christ. This is happening for a myriad of reasons, but the one that strikes closest at the moment is as follows: I am becoming more aware that the consequences of not seeking maturity impact not only myself. Now, that has always been the case, but it suddenly seems more tangible. It's like I've tried to convince myself that I can hide a lack of growth from others-which was a lie in itself. But now, the Lord has placed someone in my life that I am allowing myself to become completely transparent before and accountable to, and therefore I have no desire to ever sit before him and say, "I am not taking the time to grow and mature." I'm sure at some point in our life together this kind of conversation will take place, but I'm discovering how freeing it is to be so genuinely and unconditionally loved by a Godly man. Having such a man of God in my life is serving to draw me closer to Christ which in turn is causing me to long to be even more like my Savior.

Dear Father, please do not let this change. Continue to use this relationship to draw me closer to Your side. Continue to create and mold in me the gentle and sweet spirit of a Godly woman.

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."
Ecclesiastes 4:12

My Love Story

When God wrote my love story, He was patient. He gave me time. Time to find myself. Time to discover what my passions are outside of being a wife and mother. Time to realize and embrace that He is my Ultimate Prince Charming. Time to find contentment in being by myself. But, then one day not so long ago, God said, "Okay, it's time. Time to reveal to you what I have been dreaming for you. Time to give to you an earthly Prince Charming to love."

Throughout the course of this week I have been confessing to my Father my sin of unbelief. I didn't believe it could happen like this. When God promises the desires of your heart, I lacked the faith to believe He would even far surpass these desires. Shame on me. Oh Lord, thank You for blessing me despite my unbelief!

My love story is in progress. It is so special and so amazing that God is the only One deserving any credit. I pray that my earthly love story written by my Savior simply causes me to love Him more purely and deeply.

"Delight yourself in the Lord
And He will give you the desires of your heart."

Bucket of Blessings

This week God is standing over me and laughing while He holds an empty bucket with the word "BLESSINGS" written on it. It is empty because He just dumped it all over me!

His name is Taylor Belt. We met on Sunday afternoon, and of the last 72 hours we have talked for 22. It's looking like one of those, "Sometimes it just clicks" situations. It's amazing! He's amazing! Whatever this fun adventure holds, I'm along for the ride!

Thank you, O Gracious God!

"No eye has seen,
No ear has heard,
No mind has conceived
What God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 2:9

Seventy-Seven Times

"I don't believe God allows surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another."
Quote from Beth Moore

Does your heart ever feel like it's bleeding? I mean, of course it does at the moment of heartbreak, sad news, or difficult times. But, I mean, when you think you are well on your way to healing...do you ever feel like your heart is bleeding again? That's how I feel tonight...and I don't know why. Nothing happened to cause me to feel this way. I just do. I left Bible study tonight, turned the radio off in my car, and just started asking God all kinds of questions out loud. Then, I spent the rest of the journey home in silence just hoping that tonight would be one of those times when the answer comes quickly. It wasn't. So, I just sat (or drove) in God's presence asking, "Father, my heart is bleeding...can you make it stop?"

I did find myself thinking about what a funny thing forgiveness is. How God can say, "I forgive you," and it's done. No questions asked; no trying again. Then there's me. I forgive someone and a month later find myself wrestling again with all the hurt feelings just to realize I need to let my heart forgive again. And, I always seem to realize I need to forgive some more just at the point when I think I'm done with it. If you've never experienced this, just trust me-it's annoying.

I'm not sure if all my thoughts really fit together tonight in any semblance of a complete thought. All I know is that typing this up is going to help me lay down and sleep tonight. Maybe tomorrow my heart won't feel like it's bleeding. Maybe this week I will realize what it means to completely surrender my heart to God so that His desires fully and consistently become mine. Maybe. But, for tonight, God is in control. May He bless both of us with peaceful, grace-filled rest.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"
Matthew 18:21-22