Bucket of Blessings

This week God is standing over me and laughing while He holds an empty bucket with the word "BLESSINGS" written on it. It is empty because He just dumped it all over me!

His name is Taylor Belt. We met on Sunday afternoon, and of the last 72 hours we have talked for 22. It's looking like one of those, "Sometimes it just clicks" situations. It's amazing! He's amazing! Whatever this fun adventure holds, I'm along for the ride!

Thank you, O Gracious God!

"No eye has seen,
No ear has heard,
No mind has conceived
What God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 2:9

How Can I Keep From Singing?

At praise team practice tonight, we learned a new song called "How Can I Keep From Singing?" After the drama of last night's post, this song was a breath of fresh air to my soul. I wish you could hear the melody, but for now you will have to settle for the words.

"There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul,
I hear the music ring.
And though the storms may come,
I am holding on,
And to the Rock I cling.

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King,
And it makes my heart want to sing.

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night,
For I know my Savior lives.
And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through,
And sing the songs you give.

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King,
And it makes my heart want to sing.

I know I am loved by the King,
And it makes my heart want to sing."

Words and Music by Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Ed Cash

Seventy-Seven Times

"I don't believe God allows surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another."
Quote from Beth Moore

Does your heart ever feel like it's bleeding? I mean, of course it does at the moment of heartbreak, sad news, or difficult times. But, I mean, when you think you are well on your way to healing...do you ever feel like your heart is bleeding again? That's how I feel tonight...and I don't know why. Nothing happened to cause me to feel this way. I just do. I left Bible study tonight, turned the radio off in my car, and just started asking God all kinds of questions out loud. Then, I spent the rest of the journey home in silence just hoping that tonight would be one of those times when the answer comes quickly. It wasn't. So, I just sat (or drove) in God's presence asking, "Father, my heart is bleeding...can you make it stop?"

I did find myself thinking about what a funny thing forgiveness is. How God can say, "I forgive you," and it's done. No questions asked; no trying again. Then there's me. I forgive someone and a month later find myself wrestling again with all the hurt feelings just to realize I need to let my heart forgive again. And, I always seem to realize I need to forgive some more just at the point when I think I'm done with it. If you've never experienced this, just trust me-it's annoying.

I'm not sure if all my thoughts really fit together tonight in any semblance of a complete thought. All I know is that typing this up is going to help me lay down and sleep tonight. Maybe tomorrow my heart won't feel like it's bleeding. Maybe this week I will realize what it means to completely surrender my heart to God so that His desires fully and consistently become mine. Maybe. But, for tonight, God is in control. May He bless both of us with peaceful, grace-filled rest.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"
Matthew 18:21-22

Piano Peace

Burned-out. Exhausted. Hurt. Lonely. Disillusioned.

These are all words I have used to describe myself in the past week. And, yes, these words sound like I've been having a rather large pity-party. At some points, I unfortunately did allow these feelings to drag me into a pity-party. At many other points, I sat quietly in full realization of the sovereignty, love, and nearness of God while still feeling these emotions. Sometimes I am struck by times when I can know God is restoring my hope and strength while still feeling the emotions from the pit He is pulling me out of.

So, that has been my week. Today was different. Today was peaceful and beautiful. Today I was able to lose myself in music: one of God's finest creations. You see, I love the piano. I love to listen to piano music, and I love to play the piano. I took lessons growing up, but have unfortunately lost most of the skills I had acquired along the way. One of the things on my list of things to do before I die is to try again. Take the time to sit and practice and allow those buried skills to rise again. A friend of mine discovered that I have this longing, and he arranged for me to play today in a private room at a store that sells Steinway pianos. It was a wonderful experience! I sat in this private room on a GORGEOUS Steinway grand piano playing away at my silly little Level 1 music books from my first years of lessons. It was far from sophisticated, but it was refreshing. This afternoon I was able to spend one hour lost in music, focusing my talent only to my Lord who is carrying me through the burn-out, exhaustion, hurt, loneliness, and disillusionment of life. What a blessing! Thank you, Lord, for giving me an hour to worship you in a unique way that brought me such peace!

"Mary responded, 'Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.
How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!
For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,
and from now on all generations will call me blessed.
For the Mighty One is holy,
and he has done great things for me.'"
Luke 1:46-49

Confusion

Do you ever feel like your mind is going in a million different directions, and you can't make sense of it all? Welcome to my world. Today I am confused. My emotions are going in several different directions. My thoughts are going in several different directions. And, I can't make sense of a lick of it. I've spent almost my entire week staying super busy trying to put off dealing with what is going on inside of me. This weekend, however, I've decided it's time to face the music. It's time to let myself cry. It's time to let myself ask tough questions-of myself and of the Lord. It's time for me to be still and try to listen to my heart and the heart of my Father. My plan is to kind of "run away" just for the weekend and let myself be angry, hurt, sad, upset, confused, and at peace...in whatever order it happens to be. I'm so grateful that the Lord created me this way, and therefore will sit by me as each emotion and thought rolls through me and around me.

Lord, I ask that this weekend is productive in the sense that I can work through all that is inside of me...and walk away from the weekend knowing I have firmly placed it all in Your hands. Father God, take it all. Take the pain. Take the confusion. Take the anger and hurt. Heal my heart that I may move forward in Your will. Thank you for loving me Lord. May I learn to love you more!

You Are Good

God knows what we need better than we do, doesn't He? Like today at school. My heart was heavy and burdened all day at school, but I tried my best to lay that aside and just concentrate on my kids. So, I'm picking my kids up from Art class glad to know there are only 30 minutes left until the kids go home and I can go home, take a bath, journal, and just rest. As we walk back into the classroom, one of my precious little girls brings me a picture. "Here, Ms. Lowery, this is for you," she says. It is a picture she made just for me that at the top declares, "Your dreams will come true." Truly, out of the mouths of babes.

I am including in this post, the lyrics to a song I heard on my way to school this morning. I finished my drive to school, with tears streaming down my face, praising the Lord for reminding me of His goodness right at the start of my day. I pray these words are an encouragement to you as well.

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day, with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good
With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good.

When the road starts to turn, around each bend I learn
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are SO good
With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved
And you ARE good

So, how can I thank you?
What can I bring?
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a King?
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell you I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands.

When it's dark and it's cold, and I can't feel my soul
You are...STILL good
When the world has gone gray, and the rain's here to stay
You are still good
With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell, even then 'It is Well'
And YOU ARE GOOD!

So, how can I thank you?
What can I bring?
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a King?
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell you I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands

So I'll sing you a love song!
It's all the I have!
To tell you I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands!!
YOU ARE HOLDING MY LIFE IN YOUR HANDS!!!

-Point of Grace

Ouch

Oh God, my heart hurts.

As a little child when we fall down and get hurt, all we really want is for our mommy or daddy to scoop us up, put a band-aid on it, and kiss it all better! Father God, can you do that to my heart? Just cradle my heart in your hands. Hold me tight. Kiss it and make it all better. Work it all to your glory! Cause right now, all I can think is, "Ouch!"

"You will go out in joy
And be led forth in peace."
Isaiah 55:12

End of the Road

Who am I?

Who does Satan tell me I am?

Who does God tell me I am?

These are the questions that I, my co-leader, and our ten campers wrestled with throughout the course of last week. It was a hard week, but it was a week full of blessing. For me, it was hard to watch 10 15-year-olds come to terms with the idea that Satan wants them to believe all kinds of lies about themselves. It was hard asking them to be honest with themselves about who they think they truly are. But, it was incredible to be a witness as they realized that God loves them for who they are now! And, not only does God love them for who they are, He forgives them for what they've done; and He can wipe it all clean!

For me, though, last week was more than just watching these teenagers grow in the knowlege of God. I came to terms with a few things as well. Last Tuesday night, one of the camper groups was doing a skit about the things they had learned during the day. They mentioned a lady they had met at a nursing home during their service project. This lady was telling them that her husband had passed away not long ago, and she was now searching for her identity without him. As they continued telling this woman's story, I began to realize that that could have been me. Until about 6 months ago, if I had gotten married, it would have been difficult for me to separate my identity from that of my husband. I sat in that room in total awe of my Lord!

He has led me on a journey that was designed only for me. He led me into a painful wilderness knowing full well that I would emerge on the other side declaring Him my Prince Charming...claiming my true identity as His daughter and bride! The last several years (especially the last 10 months) have been purposefully scripted in order to teach me how to be in love with God before I fall in love with any man. He has also taught me about what my identity in Him looks like: what it looks like for Kristi Renee Lowery to be a daughter of the King. He has shown me how to cherish the gifts He has given me, and to be ready to use them in conjunction with the man He has for me instead of putting them aside for the sake of a relationship. What a mighty God I serve! He has been so patient with me as I have struggled and questioned His timing in my life. After last week, I emerged ready to say "the end" to this chapter of my life. This is the end of the road for that lesson. I will cling to Him as He continues to remind me His timing is best and His love is fulfilling. But, this journey is over! Praise the Lord for being faithful!!!! He has been good to me!

"Those who sow in tears

will reap with songs of joy.

He who goes out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with him."

Ps. 126: 5-6

Letting Go of Fear

It's time! Time to let go! Time to stop letting fear govern so many parts of my life. Time to not fear an adventure. Time to plunge in with both feet into something new knowing that The Love of my life is right there with me every step of the way! In light of all of this I commit to:

-let God hold the reins of my life,
-pray fervently and earnestly for His guidance and direction,
-turn my anxiety over to my Creator who knows my innermost thoughts, and
-joyfully tumble into Scripture as I seek out the heart of my Father.

As I type this out, fear plagues me. Am I really ready to let go of fear? What happens if it doesn't turn out well? Well, it's going to take baby steps. Even then my adventure may not be as "thrilling" as someone else's, but it will be my adventure just the same! And I guarantee it will be thrilling to me! And, who can ever say they are completely ready to let go of fear? Isn't that why we call it a "leap of faith"? My adventures in life may not always turn out well. But, one thing I have learned in the last year is how amazing God is even in unpleasant moments. He brings joy through the suffering. I have now experienced that, and I pray that the next time life bites me I will be ready to look for the joy!

It's time! Time to let go! Time to let God! Time to become a fearless woman after God's own heart!

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

2 Timothy 1:7

Holy Burdens

Have you ever carried a burden for someone that you simply did not want to carry? I guess we never really want to carry a burden, but sometimes for good friends or in particular situations we are prone to gladly carry the burden anyway. So, have you ever been called to carry a burden that you would much rather have ignored? Maybe it caused too much pain? Maybe the burden-bearer was someone you just did not like? Did it make you feel like you would rather disobey the call than put up with the extra weight of an unnecessary burden?

I am currently finding myself in a situation much like the one I just described to you. I have recently become burdened to lift someone up in prayer on a continual (almost-constant) basis. I truly feel that this burden is holy and of the Lord. But, due to the situation surrounding this burden, I would much rather leave it alone. Because, by obeying, I am having to sift through and clean out the dirt that is prohibiting certain wounds to heal. By being obedient, I am having to subject myself to pain that I would rather be rid of.

You see, I have been thinking that by ignoring the calling (by disobeying my conviction), then I will be able to heal. However, as a mentor pointed out to me tonight, maybe I have been given this burden as a way of moving past the past (so to speak). In other words, by being obedient, I am humbling myself enough to really, truly learn how to be more Christ-like. When Jesus was on the cross, He hurt. It was definitely a burden He probably would have chosen to do without had that been an option. But, as He carried the weight of our sins (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually), He asked the Lord to forgive those who were hurting Him because they didn't know what they were doing. Christ did not ignore his calling simply because it hurt. And, you know what? God glorified Him!!!!! The Father blessed His Son because Jesus obeyed the calling to carry a HUGE burden for the world!

Wow!! As I write this, I find myself strengthened with the confidence that God will provide me the power and support I need to heal even though my obedience will hurt. May God bless me in this by brightening the light of Christ that shines out of me.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

and became obedient to death--

even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father."

Phil 2:3-11

Healing

Do you ever wonder about the healing process???

For the last six months I have been healing. My heart was wounded in a way that I was not prepared for. Once the wound appeared, the healing process began. I use the word "process" because that is exactly what it is-a process. It does not happen overnight. Healing happens slowly. And sometimes there are setbacks along the way.

This weekend the scabs on my heart were scratched, and the bleeding began again. I thought the healing process was almost done, but, come to find out, if picked at hard enough my wounds could hurt again.

Thankfully even though it hurts again I realize the wound is not as deep this time. It will heal more quickly than the initial would, and then I will be back on track towards final healing. All of this is only true, however, because I have a Great Physician. He is the Lord of my healing-not me. He is closing up my wounds in a way that draws me closer to Him. What a blessing to have such a compassionate, loving Physician who gives me just the medicine I need. Thank you, Lord. Bring healing quickly-but bring healing to Your glory!

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Ps. 147:3