Because it Scares Me

Now that the moving craziness is over, and the last two weeks we have found a fabulous new routine to our new life's chapter-the Lord is beginning to press many things upon my heart. Actually, I'm beginning to wonder if He's always been pressing these things on my heart, but I've just been too busy to pay attention. I'm not going to go into all of them today. Some of them are still so deeply personal that God and I just need to commune about them right now on our own. But, I do want to share one of them.

We received a church email last week regarding the FriendSpeak ministry that some in our congregation participate in. If you are not familiar with FriendSpeak, here's a quick synopsis: This is a ministry designed to teach individuals how to speak English using the Gospel of Luke. Most, if not all, of the individuals involved in this come from a country of Oriental origin. Most of the individuals our congregation works with are students at University of Texas at Arlington. I have always found this ministry fascinating. The goal is not to convert these sweet people, but simply to build a relationship by teaching English using the Bible. However, the "side effect" is often lengthy conversations about Jesus Christ, and many of these individuals begin exploring their own personal relationship with Him. So, back to this past week:

We received an email asking for more volunteers because UTA starts back in session this week, and it's time to be ready for these hungering students. Immediately, I realized I have the time for this now (which I always used lack of time as my excuse while I was teaching). I first thought, "I could do this." Almost immediately another thought crossed my mind, "Well, maybe I should wait and volunteer next semester instead. That way I can see how things are going to look with the college ministry. We are still so up in the air about how busy we will be with those students, and I don't want to over commit myself." I felt good about this thought process. Over committing yourself is not a great God-quality. Cause then your yes can't stay your yes...etc, etc. And, I don't want to wear myself out cause then I can't give 100% to the things I am involved in. So, I decided to go with this thought process, but run it by Taylor as well just for his confirmation. Here's how that conversation went:

Me: I was thinking about doing FriendSpeak.
Taylor: Me too.
Me: I think I'm going to wait until the Spring though.
Taylor: Why?
Me: Well, we don't know what the college ministry is going to look like, and I don't want to over commit myself and not be able to help you out.
Taylor: It's only an hour a week. We just won't schedule any college activities during that time.
Me: oh, okay. (left to my swirling thoughts)

So, just like God designed things in marriage to sometimes be - my husband, unknowingly, set me straight. My real reasons were not fear of over-commitment. There really is plenty of time in my life right now. It's true I want to use it wisely and give my best to everything unlike what I was able to do while teaching, but that was a dumb excuse in this area. Basically, I'm scared. Not of teaching someone to read in English. If you know me at all, you know I'm qualified for that! I'm terrified about what kinds of questions regarding my faith that I might be asked. I don't like doing things I'm not 100% prepared for...with 100% the "right"/"best" answers ready. Well, that's not what God calls me too. Cause He is the Answer, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Therefore, I'm going to go build a relationship with a Taiwanese student that has a need that I can meet. I can meet the need this student will have to strengthen their English reading/speaking skills. This is his/her cup of cold water that I can give! God will take care of the rest of it if I just continue to be obedient to Him! Throughout the Bible He simply encourages us to build relationships! Through that relationship, He makes the sharing of the Gospel happen! So, pray with/for me on this journey. Taylor will be doing this as well. We begin this coming Sunday at 4:00 in the afternoon! I'm very excited, but yes, a little scared. But, once again, in the quietness of this new chapter of my life, I firmly believe God is calling me to this!

Memory Verse 4

Hello readers!

It is early on Saturday morning February 13th. Taylor and I are getting ready to leave to go meet with a sweet new couple that has been visiting our church. Before we left though, I had to take a few minutes and find a new verse for the next two weeks! I have two reasons for needing this verse right now and therefore deciding to commit it to memory. First, I am putting a lot of focus right now into expanding my Premier Designs Jewelry business. I really believe God has given me this opportunity in business as a ministry to women. I want to commit this verse to memory as I move forward in my business with God's purpose on my heart! Secondly, I am currently participating in Living Proof Ministry's blog discussion of Beth Moore's new book So Long, Insecurity. Beth referenced this verse in the chapter I was reading last night, and I quickly looked it up for full context. It is absolutely a perfect verse to wield while fighting the spiritual battle against womanly insecurities!

So, for the next two weeks I will be memorizing and meditating on Ephesians 2:10.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

I am really enjoying this journey towards committing 24 verses to heart by the end of 2010. It has been a blessing in my life already.

How about you? Is anyone joining me in this endeavor? If not, what spiritual disciplines are you pursuing at this point in your spiritual walk?

God bless!

Memory Verse 2

I'm a little late on posting the memory verse for this second half of January. I had an incredibly wonderful, busy weekend; and I'm just now having a moment to write. The verse I chose for this part of January is something that I remembering memorizing in college. It popped up on my phone's Verse of the Day app at just the right moment last week; so, I felt it was worth revisiting and spending time meditating on for these next two weeks. There are some amazing things going on in our lives right now. I can't go into details yet on this public forum, but I can say that God is crafting an amazing story for Taylor and me. As plans for our future have been forming, we have been from one end of emotions to the next all the while speaking truth into this situation knowing God was in control! This verse directly touched my heart and emotions last week, and therefore I could not think of anything better to spend two weeks dwelling on than this.

"And we know that in ALL things GOD works for the GOOD of those who love him, who have been CALLED according to His PURPOSE." Romans 8:28

It's so very, very nice to rest in God's working and His purpose.

What is your verse for the last half of January?

Memory Verse 1

Last July, I began reading Beth Moore's Living Proof Ministries blog. I realized that last January she began a Memory Verse Team with her readers asking them to memorize 2 Scriptures a month. Here is a link to the 2nd Memory Verse post she made for the year. I never did get my act together the last half of 2009 to join up with her and the others readers. But, I committed to doing this on my own for 2010. I wanted to encourage others to do this as well. For the first two weeks of January (which are rapidly approaching an end) I chose a verse that I felt was a great launch point for the rest of my verses. Here is it:

"Since then, you have accepted Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2:6-7

In 2010, I want to:
-"continue to live in Him" by being daily in His word, continually reminding myself of His power, grace, and guidance in my life
-be "rooted and built up in Him"-The Bible refers to the power of the Word of God and by daily being in the Word and committing His words to my heart and mind I hope to deepen my roots and grow taller in Him.
-be "strengthened in the faith as you were taught" - Just like so many of us, my faith has peaks and valleys. Too often I find myself praying, "Lord, help my unbelief." I want my faith strengthened. I need the Word of God flowing through me in order for that strengthening to occur.
-"overflow with thankfulness" - despite peaks and valleys that each new year brings, overflowing with thankfulness is key to helping me faith grow through the times of trials and periods of wilderness. I am committing to finding abundance with which I can overflow in thankfulness.

So, my question is, would anyone like to join me? If so, please just post your verses in my comments section so I can see what verses are important to you right now as well. Feel free to comment on your verses if you'd like or to just post your Scriptures. I'm currently praying through what I should choose for the last half of January. Verse #2 will appear this weekend! Until next time, I will pray this verse over each of you!

"Since then, you have accepted Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness!"

It's a New Year and a New Decade

Question: do you like resolutions? Do you like starting your year with fresh goals and a "to-do list" of the personal improvement variety?

I've learned something about myself in the last year. I like resolutions and setting goals to improve myself. What I don't like is New Year's resolutions. I like resolutions a few at a time whenever it's time to tackle something new. Even if it's August 5th. I think one of the reasons for this is because a long list of resolutions makes me stressed out. Tackling a few things at a time to incorporate into my daily routine is a much better plan for me! So, having said all that, here's a list of a few things that I am currently resolved to make habits. 2010 is going to be a good year!!!

1) Start the day off with Bible study and quiet time - this is 5:00 am on school days. It's really hard, but it's amazing how much better and more Christ-focused my day is when I do this. I've been doing 5:00 am for awhile now; but am discovering I need to add to this resolution the discipline to do this on the weekends and school holidays when my routine is different.

2) Eat healthy and exercise regularly. Summer of 2009 my nutritionist and I made headway on discovering some sensitivities that I have to food, and I was able to learn how to eat in a way that better managed my IBS and chronic fatigue. During the holidays (really from Thanksgiving until yesterday), I didn't stick with it as well; and I'm ready to get back in the ball game. This resolution isn't about losing weight (although I could stand to lose about 5lbs-we'll see); it's definitely about taking care of myself so that I feel good and have energy throughout my life's activities.

3) Allow a change of activity to bring with it rest. For several years now I have developed a sense that if I'm not doing absolutely nothing then I must not be resting. Of course, there is definitely something to be said for being still and quiet and resting! But, I don't need a resolution for that one-I do that well. :) I am working on accepting the fact that sometimes doing something different than my routine can bring plenty of rest. It's been very freeing, and I'm excited to continue to experiment with this.

That's just a handful of resolutions for me. I spent some time over the break thinking about and visiting with Taylor about a few other things that for the time being are going to stay between my God, my husband, and myself. The Lord is really working on me these days, and I'm excited to see what He has in store for me!

What are you resolving to do/be at this point in your life?

Soaring Like an Eagle

In the portion of a Beth Moore Bible study I was working through tonight, she made a comparison between physical sickness and spiritual sickness. It really struck a cord with me, so in order to process a little more I decided to make my own comparison.

Two years ago I was at the end of my first year of teaching. It had been a long, hard year; but I was confident that I was finishing strong and heading into a wonderful summer of rest. For 6 weeks of the summer I rested and rested. I felt great and had some fun times, but I was resting a lot! After that 6 weeks I hit a wall and started coming down with some type of strange virus. After 2 weeks of being in and out of the doctor, they finally diagnosed me with mono. I spent 3 to 4 months taking very good care of myself trying to recover. This past winter (a year and a half after first having mono) I came to the realization that I have just never been the same. I get sick all the time. I've always required a lot of sleep, but since having mono the amount of sleep I've needed has been unreal. I started seeing a nutritionist and am currently in the process of finally really healing. What I learned is that I had not been eating the way I should to allow my body to fully heal. I'd been letting my stress level increase without realizing what that was doing to my physical body. After the initial healing, I had not allowed myself to let the healing process work to its full scale.

There are a few things from this story that to me make really good parallels to spiritual sickness:
1) Spiritual sickness can seem to come out of nowhere when in actuality it's been strengthening for a long time. I did not suddenly come down with mono in July of 2006. I had been working at getting it for months due to the stress and exhaustion and running down of my immune system that happened during my first year of teaching. In my spiritual life I have noticed before that I will "suddenly" feel extremely empty and lonely and wonder where that came from. The truth will be that I have neglected my alone time with God which at first doesn't affect me drastically, but overtime causes major damage to my spiritual health! Unfortunately, it is all too easy for me say, "Hey-I had a really good quiet time yesterday and I'm feeling good today. I'm just going to read my novel instead." The next thing I know, I will be stressed out to the max and realize it's been a week since I've blocked out time for God-and therefore, I cannot cope with life! The thing about taking care of ourselves physically is that we don't realize how good it is for our bodies to eat right and get good rest and exercise until we don't do it for a while and get sick. The same is true for time with God. We take for granted that every time we spend time with God, our spiritual health gets a little stronger. We may not feel the effects immediately, but we may soon realize we haven't been sick in a long time!

2) Sometimes due to this busy life we don't let ourselves completely heal from an illness before we jump right back into the real world. The same can be true for spiritual illness. Sometimes it can take years to heal from spiritual wounds. Unfortunately many times spiritual wounds are the easiest to hide, therefore delaying the ability to heal. Just like a doctor encourages us to give ourselves plenty of time to be well before returning to normal activities, so does our Great Physician encourage us to spend the time needed in His care to allow our spiritual wounds to be healed with His love.

I am on the road to a much healthier me than I have been since falling prey to mono 2 years ago. Already I feel tons better and it's been only 2 months since starting to work with the nutritionist. I pray that as my body gets back into shape I can remember to keep my spiritual health just as well tended and cared for as I am my physical being. I pray the same for you as well.

"Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:30-31

So Blessed!

I am loved by three men.

The first to love me cannot be seen.

He calls me His child, and He saved me from a life of sin and death.

I call the second one Daddy.

He provided for me as he taught me about the providence of the One who first loved me.

The third man that loves me is a gift from the first and a blessing to the second.

He will soon get to be the earthly provider and the son the second one never had.

My First Love has so graciously given me these two men on earth who have and will provide for and protect me.

My First Love has richly shown me His unfailing love through the love of these two here on earth.

I could not be more blessed to have been shown the love of my Heavenly Father through the love of my earthly father and my earthly prince.

I am loved by three men.

The First gave me the second and the third.

Oh, what rich love!

Becoming like my Savior

I am realizing that my relationship with Taylor pushes me to spend more time with Christ. This is happening for a myriad of reasons, but the one that strikes closest at the moment is as follows: I am becoming more aware that the consequences of not seeking maturity impact not only myself. Now, that has always been the case, but it suddenly seems more tangible. It's like I've tried to convince myself that I can hide a lack of growth from others-which was a lie in itself. But now, the Lord has placed someone in my life that I am allowing myself to become completely transparent before and accountable to, and therefore I have no desire to ever sit before him and say, "I am not taking the time to grow and mature." I'm sure at some point in our life together this kind of conversation will take place, but I'm discovering how freeing it is to be so genuinely and unconditionally loved by a Godly man. Having such a man of God in my life is serving to draw me closer to Christ which in turn is causing me to long to be even more like my Savior.

Dear Father, please do not let this change. Continue to use this relationship to draw me closer to Your side. Continue to create and mold in me the gentle and sweet spirit of a Godly woman.

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."
Ecclesiastes 4:12

Fragile Vessel

"This fragile vessel You have made, no hand on earth can fill. For the waters of this world have failed, and I am thirsty still."

The word picture that these lyrics create is refreshing to me. I have been doing some reading about the practice of solitude and its importance in spiritual formation. When the song that contains the above verse was given to me to sing on Sunday, I was floored at how well these words depicted the idea behind our need for solitude. Consequently, as I contemplate on these words and the spiritual discipline of solitude I am left with these questions:

Why am I always in a hurry?

Why do I struggle with quiet?

Must I always have music or the TV going? And for that matter, if not one of those, then it's always a book...

Can my time with the Lord on any given day truly be "nothing but" sitting quietly in His presence?

What needs to change in my life in order to make more room for time alone with God?

What addictive distractions do I need to let go of in order to better here my Father God?

All of these questions and more are rolling around in my head. And, if I am honest with myself, then I should confess my fear of solitude. I am afraid, because I know that if I devote more time to quietly seeking the heart of my Father, then I will have to change. I want to change, but it might hurt to change. However, in all honesty, the spiritual exhaustion that comes along with not spending time in God's presence is worse than the pain of change. So, for that reason, I will begin practicing the discipline of solitude. I pray that the practice of solitude will give me a greater sense of grace and peace even as I ask my Lord and Father to change me from the inside-out.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."

Ex 14:14