Random Thoughts

I've had several different things rolling through my head the last several days, and I can't pinpoint which one draws me the most for a blog entry. Therefore, I've decided just to list some random thoughts, and I will decide later whether or not to follow up in future posts.

1) I read in a book tonight that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. This idea has decided to imbed itself in my head and percolate for a little while. If this is true, then what does forgiveness look like? Is forgiveness more for the "forgiver" than the "forgivee"? What do you think about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation?

2) One of my struggles in life is dealing with anxiety. I have an extremely anxious personality which has recently required counseling and temporary medication. God is blessing me greatly as I learn to manage this struggle and give Him control of my life. But, one of the things I am particularly anxious about is traveling--specifically flying. Many of my readers know that I am terrified of flying-for reasons that I don't really understand. On Friday night, I was glued to the TV watching weather reports of tornadoes in and around the Dallas area. As I was watching all of this, I was struck by the realization that at one point in my life I was as terrified of tornadoes as I now am of flying. My fear of tornadoes has drastically subsided in recent years, and I'm left with the prayer that this will happen with my phobia of flying as well. Any thoughts?

3) I'm burned out from teaching. At the moment I can't tell you if I just need the summer or a career change, although, last week I would have told you I needed a career change. It's hard to determine, however, at this extremely stressful time of year. At this point, all I know is, I am praying that God provides me extra blessings along the way over the next six weeks...because I am exhausted. I also probably need to pray for an attitude change.

4) What does it look like to walk through the pain of a certain situation? What exactly does that mean? I'm not sure, but I am slowly getting an idea. I wonder if walking through the pain is the process through which one achieves the "acceptance" phase of grief. Maybe it's the final stage before one can say, "I can now accept this situation and fully move on." It's all a little uncertain to me. What I do know, however, is that the Bible is full of stories of individuals who had to walk through the pain in order to get to the joy on the other side. Those are the stories I am clinging to these days!

So, what do you think? Was that random enough for you? You just got a pretty good glimpse into the confusion that is my brain. Any thoughts? Feel free to comment on my thoughts or add your own thoughts to my random list.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

1 Peter 5:7

I Want to Hold Your Hand

As I picked up my students from Art class today, one of my precious ones ran up to me, looked at me with puppy dog eyes, and said, "I want to hold your hand." It is pretty much impossible to refuse such a request. This particular student does this from time to time whenever he just needs an extra measure of loving devotion. He's not afraid to say, "Miss Lowery, I need to hold your hand for a minute. " Or, "Miss Lowery, I need a hug." It is precious to me, and today it brought other reflections to my mind and heart.

We all need that, don't we? Every once in a while we need someone to just love on us a little more than normal. Sometimes an extra hug or genuine, "How are you?" just happens upon us. Other times we have to humble ourselves and say, "I need a little love today. Can you help me with that?" (Side note: asking children to hug you is a great way to get a little more lovin' in your day!) It's not always easy to do that, however.

So, here's what I wonder...do you ever ask this of God? Do you sometimes find yourself saying, "Lord God, will you shower a little more love on me today? I am feeling the need to be reminded that I am the child and you are the parent." And, that's what it is really all about. He is our Father. We are His children. Just like you crawled in your mom or dad's lap for no reason other than cause you wanted to be close; so you can crawl into the lap of your Heavenly Father and just absorb His love.

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, my mind was reviewing a few things that have happened over the last few days. Nothing major, but just reflecting on some conversations. Through my reflections, I was left with a few questions that are completely unknown to me at this point. As I got into bed, I found myself saying, "Lord, it's a good thing you are in control of all of that, because I sure don't want to be." I was able to lay down in His loving presence and sleep knowing that He is in control. This concept is seen in our lives when children can relax and go to sleep knowing that their parents are in the same house taking care of all of their needs.

All of these things have just reminded me how much comfort we can take from viewing God as our Abba Father. We have physical evidence in this life of how comforting parents/adults can be to children, and we can cling to that image as we assume the role of sons and daughters of God. Don't be afraid to let God love on you. Ask Him for an extra measure of love if you are feeling a little drained. He is always waiting right there to shower you with blessings beyond what you can imagine. Open your eyes and see His love pouring down all around you!

"I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing."

Ezekiel 34:26

"As a mother comforts her child,

so will I comfort you;

and you will be comforted over Jerusalem."

Isaiah 66:13

Need for Honesty, Part II

This morning on my way to school I had an AHA moment. I was listening to a recording of a Living Proof Ministries conference with Beth Moore. She was speaking on delighting in the Lord. During the course of the conference she addressed the need in women to feel secure and safe. She discussed that though this is a God-given trait, it can be dangerous.

I began to meditate on that thought for a few minutes and came to realize something about myself...in the past, I have used men to fulfill that need in me. Now, men obviously have a desire to be a protector and provider, and I think that is supposed to balance well with a women's need for safety and security. But, hear me out: in the past, I have relied on men for an unhealthy amount of emotional safety and security. Thankfully, I have never completely relied on a man for that-God was still always in the picture to an extent...but I still found too much worth in the security a man provides.

So, now I'm scared. I'm scared to trust again. Because I yearned for the safety and security a man provides me...I wasn't always aware of red-flags in my past relationships. Therefore, I'm scared to death that the next someone in my life will not be honest with me about who he really is. I'm scared that I will fall for him and then find out that he's not the man of God I thought he was. I'm scared that he will break my heart, and I'm not sure I can survive being hurt again. I'm scared to trust myself in discerning who God has for me. I'm scared to let myself be vulnerable again. I'm scared there won't be someone out there who will put up with all my weird/annoying idiosyncracies.

Having said all that, I'm left with two things...
1) Like I said in my last "Need for Honesty" blog, learning to fall in love with God is slowly teaching me how to trust him. People will always let me down, but he will guide me. He will demolish my fears one at a time and continue to walk me through the healing process.
2) The more I fall in love with him, the more I yearn for the saftey and security that He provides. When a man arrives on the scene, the safety and security he provides will simply be the icing on the cake that God has given to me because I delighted in Him!

"Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires on your heart."

Ps. 37:4

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I'm in the mood at the moment for a good laugh. So, I thought I'd share something with you so that you can join me in a good-ole giggle.

Yesterday, we took our first graders to the Frisco Fire Department. They have an area at their station called safety town. It is designed to teach first graders about driver and pedestrian safety in order to increase children's safety as they play in and around streets. Part of the program was a lesson on various road signs that children see every day as they drive along with their parents. The instructor showed them a "no U-turn" sign and asked if they knew what it meant. One little girl said, "It means don't turn around."

In the midst of my marveling at what first graders can understand about driver safety, I hear one of my little rascals say, "Yeah, but my dad didn't." It was all I could do to hold it together!!!! Wow!! He was paying attention, wasn't he?

Upon returning to school, we took the kids outside to run off some of the energy accumulated while at the fire station. There is a water fountain out on the playground and I saw a group of my boys repeatedly taking a drink of water, kneeling down, and apparently spitting into a hole of some sort. I walked over and asked them to stop spitting in the hole. The baby of my class looked up at me and said, "We're not spitting, we're burping on the ants!" Only a group of boys could derive such pleasure from burping on ants. But, I will admit it brought a smile to my face.

I hope that if you have had a somewhat emotional day like me, that these light-hearted moments will remind you of the joy that is ours in Christ Jesus!!!

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful..."

Prov. 15:13

"Our mouths are filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy."

Ps. 126:2a

Need for Honesty

" 'Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be. And anything else you do is sin and you need to repent of it.' " (Quoted by Rob Bell in his book Velvet Elvis)

Back in November, I was on the phone with a dear friend talking about life. She said something that has stuck firmly with me. She said, "Kristi, you need to do all you can to fall madly in love with God and find all of your dependence on him. Everything else will simply be the icing on the cake."

I need to be extremely honest in this blog. I may even need to post more than once along this topic as my mind makes sense of all that I am laying out before you. So, here it goes:

I long to fall in love. I am a romantic female with all kinds of fairy-tale notions. Thankfully, I have a healthy perspective on true love and romance, but I still long to fall in love. I want to be chased. I want to be someone's princess. I want the handsome knight on the white horse (as imperfect as he may be...he'll still be mine), and I want to be "rescued."

But, here I sit...a 25 year old single woman in a scary world aching for Prince Charming. However, when my friend spoke those words to me in November, I began to realize that I had no idea what it meant to be "in love" with God. Of course, I loved him, but in love with him? Can He really fulfill that need in me?

When that question entered my head, God said to me, "Just watch, Princess. I will fill you with such a sense of love that you will no more long for an earthly love with the same intensity. Beloved, you will find such romance in my love that you will no longer need the love of a man to fill your empty places. I will be your White Knight, and I AM perfect. My love will never fail. I will always understand you, and I will always love you. You will be my sweetheart, and I will court you with a love that only comes from knowing the woman I created you to be. I love you."

Do the desires of my heart change? Yes and no. They change in that I am no longer searching for a husband more than I search for God. They don't change because I believe my longing for a husband and children is given to me by God. The focus I place on the desires of my heart is changing (notice I said is changing, cause, by golly...it takes a lot of mental energy to keep up with this).

My friend was right. All else He gives me will be the icing on the cake!

"My lover spoke and said to me,

'Arise, my darling,

my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past;

the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come...

Arise, come, my darling;

my beautiful one, come with me.'"

Song of Songs 2:10-12a, 13b

What I Know

My time yesterday spent in silence before the Lord was refreshing (see yesterday's blog). I took a wonderful nap with lullaby praise and worship music playing in the background. There is nothing like having those uplifting songs flowing through my spirit while I am unconscious. I woke up feeling comforted and at peace.

I was thinking some more about the state of my emotions yesterday--feeling lonely and full of questions. And, here is what I've learned in these last few months of embracing my singlehood: sometimes I will feel that way and that is okay. Sometimes my emotions won't get the better of me, and that's okay too. But, no matter what my emotions end up doing, these things I know with all of my being:

1. God is WHO He says He is!!!
2. God can do WHAT He says He can do!!!
3. I am who God says I am!
4. I can do ALL things through Christ!
5. God's Word is alive and active in ME!
(Taken from Believing God by Beth Moore)

Because I know these things, I can deal with an emotionally blah day. Because I know these things deep inside of me, then I can take a day like yesterday and set aside my questions and longings and just sit in His presence because all of the things listed above are true. I am realizing more and more the need to have days like yesterday. Because when I take the time to absorb what I know, then I am able to face what I don't know.

Thank you, most gracious Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me opportunities to dig and question and learn even when it is tough. Because, I am learning Father, that the tough times are what make the times of joy that much more inexpressibly amazing. I also thank you, Abba, for the times that I can just sit and be...that I can just rest. Thank you for being who you said you are. Thank you for doing what you said you would do. Thank you for making Your Word alive in me. I am not worthy, but you are so gracious. Praise Your name, Lord Jesus. Amen.

"The Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." John 14:26

Today...

Today I am lonely. Today I am yearning for a family of my own. Today I am tired of the constant questions about life. Today I am frustrated that good arguments can be made on opposite sides of an issue, and sometimes I can't figure out which one is right.

So, today I don't want to think; I don't want to ask questions. Today I just simply want to be. Today I want peace and rest. Today I long to sit (or nap) in my Father's presence and let Him fill my lonely places. Today I will sit in the presence of the Lord and let Him handle the big questions of life. Today my Lord is in His holy temple, and I will keep silent in His presence.

"But the Lord is in his holy temple;

let all the earth be silent before him."

Habakkuk 2:20