Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Seventy-Seven Times

"I don't believe God allows surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another."
Quote from Beth Moore

Does your heart ever feel like it's bleeding? I mean, of course it does at the moment of heartbreak, sad news, or difficult times. But, I mean, when you think you are well on your way to healing...do you ever feel like your heart is bleeding again? That's how I feel tonight...and I don't know why. Nothing happened to cause me to feel this way. I just do. I left Bible study tonight, turned the radio off in my car, and just started asking God all kinds of questions out loud. Then, I spent the rest of the journey home in silence just hoping that tonight would be one of those times when the answer comes quickly. It wasn't. So, I just sat (or drove) in God's presence asking, "Father, my heart is bleeding...can you make it stop?"

I did find myself thinking about what a funny thing forgiveness is. How God can say, "I forgive you," and it's done. No questions asked; no trying again. Then there's me. I forgive someone and a month later find myself wrestling again with all the hurt feelings just to realize I need to let my heart forgive again. And, I always seem to realize I need to forgive some more just at the point when I think I'm done with it. If you've never experienced this, just trust me-it's annoying.

I'm not sure if all my thoughts really fit together tonight in any semblance of a complete thought. All I know is that typing this up is going to help me lay down and sleep tonight. Maybe tomorrow my heart won't feel like it's bleeding. Maybe this week I will realize what it means to completely surrender my heart to God so that His desires fully and consistently become mine. Maybe. But, for tonight, God is in control. May He bless both of us with peaceful, grace-filled rest.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"
Matthew 18:21-22