Thursday, April 5, 2007

Need for Honesty, Part II

This morning on my way to school I had an AHA moment. I was listening to a recording of a Living Proof Ministries conference with Beth Moore. She was speaking on delighting in the Lord. During the course of the conference she addressed the need in women to feel secure and safe. She discussed that though this is a God-given trait, it can be dangerous.

I began to meditate on that thought for a few minutes and came to realize something about the past, I have used men to fulfill that need in me. Now, men obviously have a desire to be a protector and provider, and I think that is supposed to balance well with a women's need for safety and security. But, hear me out: in the past, I have relied on men for an unhealthy amount of emotional safety and security. Thankfully, I have never completely relied on a man for that-God was still always in the picture to an extent...but I still found too much worth in the security a man provides.

So, now I'm scared. I'm scared to trust again. Because I yearned for the safety and security a man provides me...I wasn't always aware of red-flags in my past relationships. Therefore, I'm scared to death that the next someone in my life will not be honest with me about who he really is. I'm scared that I will fall for him and then find out that he's not the man of God I thought he was. I'm scared that he will break my heart, and I'm not sure I can survive being hurt again. I'm scared to trust myself in discerning who God has for me. I'm scared to let myself be vulnerable again. I'm scared there won't be someone out there who will put up with all my weird/annoying idiosyncracies.

Having said all that, I'm left with two things...
1) Like I said in my last "Need for Honesty" blog, learning to fall in love with God is slowly teaching me how to trust him. People will always let me down, but he will guide me. He will demolish my fears one at a time and continue to walk me through the healing process.
2) The more I fall in love with him, the more I yearn for the saftey and security that He provides. When a man arrives on the scene, the safety and security he provides will simply be the icing on the cake that God has given to me because I delighted in Him!

"Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires on your heart."
Ps. 37:4