Thanksgiving

Bright and early tomorrow morning I am hitting the road to join the rest of my family in Searcy, AR. The next few days will be full of food, conversation, and relaxation. Just what I am in need of at this point in the year! But, see, there is more to the next few days than just food, conversation, and relaxation. There is a reason why we call it "Thanksgiving," right?

I was walking Rori yesterday and once again praying for the Lord to take away the pain in my heart. As I'm praying, I was overcome with the thought that I needed to spend some time thinking about what I have to be thankful for. Hmmm...okay, God, I think you might be trying to give me some perspective! So, I am thankful for...

• Health
• Godly parents with whom I now I have a wonderful friendship/mentorship type relationship
• A wonderful 1st grade class this year
• An excellent school
• An amazing teaching team including two very strong Christians to share and pray with
• Food
• Water
• A nice apartment
• A very playful, loving puppy
• Authentic, Christ-like friendships
• Other people's children who ease my "baby bug" for the time being
• Clothes
• Sunshine
• Rainbows
• Butterflies
• Singing on the praise team
• Being a part of a wonderful congregation
• My sister
• My grandparents
• Holiday breaks from school
• And I could go on and on and on and on

There is so much to be thankful for. Yes, I am in a season of pain and healing. But, the Lord will continue to shower me with blessings...sometimes I just have to be reminded to open my eyes and see them! Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will in Christ Jesus."
1 Thess. 5:17

God is God

As I was taking a shower this morning, the following verse came into my mind:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

For those of you who are familiar with this verse, you know that it usually brings with it a lot of hope. This morning, however, I didn't want to think about this verse. Why? Because my heart is broken and I don't understand how that fits with "not to harm you." Why, God, did I guard my heart and pray for so long and so hard about giving it away? Why, God, did You give me a peace about taking the risk to love again, only to take it away from me?

At church this morning, we sang a song entitled Blessed Be Your Name. The song talks about how even in the highs and lows blessed be the name of the Lord. He gives and He takes away, but blessed be His name. Lord, I believe it, but my heart still hurts.

You see, I know that He has plans for me. I know that He will cause me to prosper and He will not harm me. I know He plans to give me a hope and a future. I just don't know why it hurts. But, it does, and I guess that's okay because God is God and I am not. And, yes, I am preaching to myself as I type in this post. Because deep down inside I am working to convince myself that it really will all be okay. The pain will go away again. There will yet again be inexpressible joy at the end of this yucky journey. Because that is the cycle of life here on earth.

God is God, and I am not. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. God is God, and I am not. I think I'll just keep repeating that to myself over and over again until this miserable pain is gone. God is God and I am not. God is God and I am not. Blessed be His name.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Psalm 34:18

Lamp Unto My Feet

God's Word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

Schedule-driven, responsible
Rule-follower, list-maker
Never restless
But, restless I have become.

The Lord is moving me
Deeply, internally moving me towards something new.
He has not revealed the details,
But continues simply to light my feet.

My passion for children and teaching slowly creeps out of the classroom
And more intimately into children's lives.
A student needs to know the love of Jesus,
Regardless of what I am "allowed" to say.
Lord, use me.

Families of children in hospitals long for someone to come play
For someone to come hold them
For someone to be Jesus with skin.
Lord, use me.

He is moving me, but where?
All of this feels like preparation for something else.
I am never restless,
But, restless I have become.

The Lord is moving me
Deeply, internally moving me towards something new.
He has not revealed the details,
But continues simply to light my feet.

"My [daughter], if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowlege of God."
Proverbs 2:1-5

Aren't I So Cute???

My little Rori is now 7 1/2 months old and getting more grown up every day. I took her to the groomer last week, and she returned all decked out for Halloween in a purple and orange bow and matching pumpkin bandana! Isn't she adorable?!?!

Rori's new favorite things to do these days include: chewing the dining room table, taking walks with mom, climbing on mom's shoulder to take the ponytail holder out of her hair, dumping the water out of her water bowl so she can play with the bowl, and playing ball with mom while she's in the bathtub.

She is so much fun, and a joy to have in my life. I will confess though to being many times ready for the puppy stage to be past and my little girl to find her inner lap dog. We've still got a few more months to go!!! Have a blessed day!

Sitting Shiva

Recently I have experienced hearing news from close friends of tragedy in their lives. Whether it's emotional abuse from a spouse, the separation of parents after 25+ years, or the death of a child six days before delivery; each causes deep pain in my heart. And, I find myself asking, "What do I say to these friends? How do I offer encouragement?" Even though my desire is to encourage, I find myself utterly speechless.

There is a Jewish word that I was introduced to about a year ago called "shiva." The definition of shiva is, "a period of seven days of mourning after the death of close relative." However, as I understand shiva from its historical perspective it was much more than just seven days of mourning. Friends of the family experiencing loss would come and "sit shiva" with the mourners, meaning they would come in and simply show their support by quietly sitting and mourning with them. It did not involve words or some attempt at easing pain by saying the right thing. One would walk in and just be. Just mourn. Just let the pain of the moment speak for itself.

Isn't that what we all want when we're grieving? Isn't it hard to hear the words that seem so utterly useless in the face of gut-wrenching pain? Yes, the words are usually true; and yes, usually in a matter of a few weeks or months it is easier and healthy to swallow them. But, in the midst of the extreme pain of the moment, don't we just want a friend that will acknowledge it for what it is and hurt with us? I've experienced that in my past, and it's the most refreshing thing you can imagine.

So, being speechless is okay. I wish with all my heart that I could go and physically sit shiva with each of my friends mourning losses in their lives. However, I am mourning for them now, and begging the Lord to grant them an extra measure of grace, peace, and comfort during this season of their lives.

May God bless you whether the season you are in is one of extreme joy or extreme pain. Jehovah God is the God of both, and He will see you through.

"Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe."
Psalm 61:1-3

Quirky and weird

"I'm weird."
"No, you're quirky. Quirky and weird are two very different things."
"I think there is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up."
-Quoted from the movie Runaway Bride

Have you ever felt this way? Profoundly and irreversibly screwed up? I hope someone else has, cause I sure feel that way these days. The last week or so I feel like I have come face to face with so many different areas of my life that are so not aligned with Christ. I mean, good grief, if it's not one thing, it's another. And, I find myself wondering: what do I tackle first? How do I start aligning every area of my life to Christ without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted? Which areas are the most important to focus on?

Maybe I need to step back a little. Maybe I need to slow down and watch life go by while soaking up each minute the Lord gives me. I wonder if I try this tactic, then becoming more like Christ won't feel like such an overwhelming task...but instead will just naturally happen by spending time noticing my Lord. I don't know, but that's what I'm going to try right now. Because right now, I am tired and overwhelmed. I want so badly to be more like Christ, but I am so far away from that goal.

Adonai--please be near. Change my heart and give me the patience to let the change happen in Your timing. Lord, I need patience in so many areas of my life. Oh, please give me patience.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
Philippians 4:6-7 from The Message

Through the Blood of Christ

Helper
Mercy-shower
Teacher

The above three words are my top three spiritual gifts (in numerical order) as I discovered after recently filling out a spiritual gifts survey. All of the women at our Sacred Sisterhood retreat this weekend took the same spiritual gifts survey. The gifts on this particular survey were as follows: exhorter, mercy-shower, helper, shepherd, prophet, giver, evangelist, teacher, and administrator. Every individual exhibits qualities of each gift, but a few of them always stand out. It was fascinating to learn about the other gifts and to listen to the awe found in women who never realized they had any gifts. One of the questions asked during the course of the weekend was, "Which of your top three gifts are you using the least?" When answering this question for myself, the answer was mercy-shower. Of my top three, I believe I show mercy less than I help or teach.

Now, having said all that, I'd like to put it to the side for a minute. I want to take a moment to share with you, my readers, something I wrote down as a reflection during the course of the weekend. I wrote the following:

"Letting go of mistakes I've made. I often find myself wondering if my mistakes in relationships (big or small) are too big to overcome. I find myself asking questions like: 'What if she can't forgive me? What if that (behavior/mistake) is what he thinks I am like all the time? What if she can't see past the mistakes I've made?' How do I place all the 'what-ifs' in God's hands? How do I let go of the mistakes I've made enough to let God handle the other person. Instead of trying to 'control' the situation by worrying about how the other person perceives me. Lord, take control."

After writing this reflection, I shared it with a sweet friend of mine. She listened and made a couple of comments, and our conversation turned in the direction of our spiritual gifts. We began discussing with each other which of our top three spiritual gifts we are using the least. I shared with my friend that I feel that I use mercy-shower more than I use helper and teacher. She asked why I thought this was the case. As I started answering I started realizing the great flaw in my thinking...more than a flaw actually-an outright sin. Here's what I discovered: I easily show mercy to those I am close to. I find myself extremely eager to shower mercy on individuals I am in close-authentic relationships with. On the flip side, individuals with which I either have superficial relationships or we are merely acquaintances...I find myself prone to perceiving them by their annoyances.

Ouch. As I voiced this to my friend, I realized how horrible it sounded. She acknowledged that, but then went a step further. She said, "Oh, Kristi, that's why you wrote your reflection earlier. You are scared that the people in your life will see you in the same way that you are prone to see others." I had to ask her to say it again just so I could let it all sink in a little. What a heavy burden I have placed on others! What a heavy burden I have placed on myself! What a waste of a sacred gift if I only bestow it upon my closest friends!

Praise the Lord that I am not in control of how others view me...and that it doesn't matter, anyway. And, I pray from the depths of my soul that the Lord will take my gift of mercy-showing and stretch and mature me to see all individuals through the blood of Christ. Because if I am wearing the lens of the blood of Christ, then everyone will be the same. Only then can I allow the Lord to use me to pour forth mercy on His children.

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness"
Psalm 115:1