Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My Hats

Kristi Renee Belt

-Bachelor of Arts
-Master of Education
-Reading Specialist
-Academic Language Therapist in training
-Premier Designs Independent Jewelry Consultant

I promise I’m not tooting my own horn. I’m processing. These are my current hats (minus being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, servant, and Child of God). These are the things the world sees as accomplishments. I guess in many ways they are. They could explain an extreme need to be successful. I guess that could be true about me, but more than that I think they show my love of learning. Each accomplishment on this list was born out of a desire to learn something new. I could be a forever student—yes, I’m one of “those.”

Lately, however, I feel like I’m drowning in my “accomplishments.” When I set out to accomplish each of the above things, I believed I had God’s blessing. I believed that He would use these things through me as a ministry to Him. Somehow that’s still true, but I’m struggling with it. Because, somewhere at the heart of me, I feel that my true passions and the hats I want to be wearing are being neglected (wife, daughter, sister, friend, servant, and Child of God). It has been affirmed to me that I am not neglecting these things, but rather ministering to each of these at the same time. I appreciate the affirmation, and I’m thankful that God is using me; but why do I feel spread too thin? Why do I suddenly feel that I have put too much time and effort into my accomplishments and not enough focus on becoming like Christ and deeply ministering to His people? I KNOW that I can do both of those things while living out the above accomplishments and successes. But, for now, I FEEL a little lost. I don’t have peace for some reason, and I’m exploring why. Is it because something needs to go? Do my priorities need to change? Is it just a time of wilderness where I can’t feel what God is doing, but He IS living out His promises through me and therefore I must trust and obey? Is there something in me God is molding that my spirit of unease is directing me towards? Surely, it’s not a mid-life crisis right now at the age of 28??? ;)

For now, I’m here. Getting up each day and doing what God puts before me on that day; praying fervently for my next step and His providential direction.