Saturday evening I returned home after a wonderful Christmas week in Corpus Christi with my family. The drive had been long but uneventful. I went about the task of unpacking, putting away Christmas gifts from my family and my students (which I had not done before leaving on vacation), and just overall tidying up my disheveled apartment. I fell into bed exhausted but unable to sleep. Without really forming conscious thoughts I began to let my heart pray. In that time, the Lord revealed something to me as this thought crossed my mind, "You are too focused on the waiting; you are forgetting to live."
So, now here I sit several days later just now getting around to blogging about this epiphany because I've been dreading putting it into writing. In 2007, I was blessed to fall more deeply in love with my Savior than I realized was possible. I also learned to make peace with "waiting" at this time in my life without feeling the need to rush my dreams into existence. What I didn't realize is that I took that peace too far and just let myself "be" in waiting.
Some of my readers may be thinking, "Kristi, you've said things similar to this along the way; why is it just now sinking in?" I don't know, but praise the Lord He is patient with me! He's probably going to have to continue to remind me all throughout 2008 to just keep living and stop being concerned about waiting.
And, like I said, I've dreaded writing this down. Because, honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared and lonely and a little disillusioned about the church being my family. A few things have happened in the last several weeks that have made reality out of the idea that our culture and the church are designed around couples and families. Having said that, I know that God's grace covers all of this and He will provide healing from the disillusionment.
It's also scary to finally admit I just need to let go of my dreams and see what God is dreaming up for me right now. Yes, maybe I should say that one more time. In 2008, I am going to let go of my dreams and see what dreams God has for me.
Last night I was at some friends' house for a New Year's Eve dinner. Because of the number of young children among us we toasted in the New Year early and went our separate ways. At 8:30, we joined in a circle and each mentioned blessings, dreams, or wishes for the New Year. With all of the previously discussed thoughts in mind, I lifted my glass and said, "To all things unimaginable." The verse at the end of this blog is going to be my "theme" for 2008. I am going to meditate on and pray through this verse throughout the year knowing that God's plans for me are unimaginable. Because if I am just waiting instead of living, then the unimaginable may pass me by.
May 2008 be full of all things unimaginable for you and your loved ones! I pray God's richest blessings in your lives.
1 Cor 2:9