Here I am, O Lord

It is becoming clear to me that each phase of our life is made up of some type of waiting. Of course, as Christians, we are all waiting and longing for our true, eternal home with our Lord. High schoolers are waiting for college. College students are waiting for their careers. Some singles are waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right to come along. Young marrieds might be awaiting their first child. Parents with children are waiting for the empty nest. And, so on and so forth...with multiple layers of depth to each type of waiting.

My attitude towards waiting goes in cycles. I go through long stretches of contentment and patience as I wait on the Lord's timing for a future family of my own. I deeply believe my longing and desire for a husband and children is God-given, but I also deeply believe it will occur on His time-table and not mine. So, like I said, I go through periods of extreme joy and contentment in the waiting. From time to time, however, whether out of selfishness or depth of desire, I'm not sure--I find myself mourning the unfulfilled desires. Praise the Lord that David wrote many psalms asking, "Where are you, O Lord?" and "How long must I wait, O Lord?" During my periods of mourning, I raise my voice with David, pouring out my deepest emotions to my Lord. Then, once again, I can patiently walk forth into purposeful waiting.

While allowing all of the above to percolate in my head, I was reading again from Ruth Haley Barton's book Sacred Rhythms. The following quotes came from her book, and deeply resonated with my heart.

"The practice of discernment begins with a prayer for indifference...indifference is a very positive term that is rich in meaning. Here it means, 'I am indifferent to anything but God's will.' This is a state of wide-openness to God in which I am free from undue attachment to any particular outcome, and I am capable of relinquishing whatever might keep me from choosing for love. I have gotten to a place where I want God and his will more than anything..."

"The question that is most pertinent at this place in the discernment process is, 'What needs to die in me in order for God's will to come forth in my life? Is there anything I need to set aside so that I can be open to what God wants?'..."

"Willingness to ask this question may take us into a period of waiting, in which we cannot accomplish for ourselves what most needs to be done. All we can say to God is, 'I know I am not indifferent. I know there is still something in me that is clinging to my own agenda. If I am to become indifferent, you will have to do it in me.' This period of waiting may feel very dark. But strangely enough, it will also feel deeply right--as if we are right where we need to be."

O Lord, I ask that as I wait for even a Godly desire...that my heart's attitude will be towards your will for me. Lord, you have placed me at this place, at this time, for a reason. Because of this, may my prayer always be...

"Here I am, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word."
Luke 1:38

Psalm 86

Today I needed this psalm as a reminder to me. I have been an emotional and logical mess this weekend. Praise the Lord that His grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in weakness.

Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

4 Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

17 Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

My Psalm of Praise

O, Lord, I praise your name.
You are good, O Lord;
I sing praise your wonderful name.

When I am down, my heart sings praise to you.
When I am lost, my soul sings out to you.
In unknown times, I praise you still, O Lord,
For you are good.

O, Lord, I praise your name.
You are good, O Lord;
I sing praise to your wonderful name.

I am at peace, O Lord,
Because you are sovereign.
I am comforted, O Lord,
Because all things work to Your glory.

O, Lord, I praise your name.
You are good, O Lord;
I sing praise to your wonderful name.

May I never doubt, dear Lord.
May I seek always to draw to near to your heart.
O Lord, hear this song of praise
And may it bring glory to your name.

O, Lord, I praise your name.
You are good, O Lord;
I sing praise to your wonderful name.

Third "Year's" a Charm

It's 9:15 pm. I left my apartment at 7:00 this morning and just returned home about 15 minutes ago. Tonight was Meet the Teacher night at school. Exhausted is the word of the moment. I received my class list this morning and spent the remainder of the day labeling things in the classroom for my students and preparing everything else needed for Monday morning. At 5:30 pm, my new prodigies began arriving in my room anxious to find out who their teacher would be. They sorted supplies and said hello to their Kindergarten friends. The parents had all kinds of questions and wanted special conferences immediately at that inopportune moment. They were excited, scared, anxious, and full of energy...and all 22 of them are mine for the next nine months.

But this year is different. This year I am prepared. My first year of teaching was all about survival. Really that's all first year teachers can do: survive...there is just too much to take in. I was also teaching 5th grade and found it was not my preference, so I was anxiously awaiting word of a change for Year 2. My wish was granted, and my second year became Year 1 all over again because I was teaching a different grade level and a new curriculum (and with mono), so once again I was in survival mode. But, like I said...this year is different.

Now, here I sit, two days away from the start of Year 3; and I am prepared. I am ready to teach well, not just survive. My room is organized and makes sense as opposed to everything just being out of the way to make room for the kids. I know how to expect first graders to behave. I know what changes in lessons need to be made cause it just didn't work last year. I know. I have experience. I am prepared.

Someone once told me, "Give teaching three years. Your first year is awful. Your second year is a little better. But your third year--that's when it starts getting fun." Oh, dear Lord, please make it fun! Yes, third "year's" a charm...and I'm ready for it. So, bring it on!

"It was He who gave some to be...teachers"

Ephesians 4:11

Width vs. Depth Part 2

I have been hoping that time would help clarify my thoughts concerning Width vs. Depth into something more easily put into writing. Alas, it seems that I am going to need to use writing as my means for clarification. In that case, be warned that the following post may be slightly confusing as I myself am on a journey of discovery.

In Part 1 of this topic, I explored Websters definitions of width, depth, breadth, and transformation. The following three definitions have stuck with me:

1. Depth: degree of richness and intensity
2. Depth: complete detail thoroughness
3. Transformation: a marked change

Hmmm...

At the risk of sounding arrogant, let me confess that I have quite a width of Biblical knowlege. I am, by no means, the most learned Biblical scholar; but due to spending most of my academic years in a Christian school, I have acquired a decent width of knowlege. Having said all that, I must also confess a definite lack in depth of Biblical insight. How do I acquire more depth instead of just width? I am not sure.

But...if transformation means, "a marked change," then I believe it will take a "complete detailed thoroughness" in my Bible study as well as a "degree of richness and intensity" in my pursuit of the heart of my Father. Because without depth, how can I honestly acheive a marked change?

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose ake I have lost all things."

Philippians 3:8

Heartbreak

Some friends of mine lost their father in a tragic work-related accident this past Monday. I just found out this afternoon. I cannot tell you how badly my heart breaks for them. I did not know their father, but I have heard some wonderful things about what a great man of God he was. Praise the Lord that he is in a better place. I pray that Lord will rain comfort down on the family as they mourn this untimely loss.

Receiving the news this afternoon caused me to enter one of those moments where I suddenly found myself extremely reflective of this precious life. It can be gone in a flash...without any warning. When I spend time with people, do I invest all of my energy into that person, treasuring the moment I have been given as a gift? Or do I take advantage of that time, hurrying through our conversation with my own selfish agenda in mind? Who have I not recently professed my love and affection? Who I have I recently been short with, where reconciliation is needed? Who I have not looked at as a child of God, but rather as a distraction walking through my day? What in my mind needs to change in order to more effectively treasure people; because people are important...not time...not my to do list...not my books...not my agenda. God's children are important. Oh Lord, please show me how to treasure the people you have surrounded me with...never foresaking their presence in my life.

To the families involved in this tragic accident I pray for comfort and peace. I pray for support and shoulders to cry on and ears to vent to. I cry out to the Lord on your behalf asking him to carry you through this wilderness of pain only to bring you out stronger on the other side. May the Lord bless you.

And, Dad...I love you very much!

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Ps. 34:18

"The LORD gives strength to His people;

the LORD blesses His people with peace."

Ps. 29:11

Width vs. Depth

Width. Breadth. Depth. Spiritual Transformation. What do these words have in common? Or, rather, how do these words relate to each other? Welcome to Life Questions on CurlUpandRead. The last couple of weeks have been punctuated by conversations, readings, and sermons/teachings surrounding these very words. For the sake of processing, I decided to blog through my thoughts. This will most likely be a multi-post topic. For today, I wanted to percolate on what good ol' Mr. Webster has to say in reference to these words. Here's what I discovered:

Width:
-the measure of the extent of something from side to side
-size from side to side
-the state, quality, or fact of being wide
-breadth

Breadth:
-width
-freedom from narrowness or restraint; liberality
-size in general
-wide range or scope

Depth:
-intellectual complexity or penetration
-intensity
-emotional profundity
-quality of being deep
-part of greatest intensity
-complete detail thoroughness
-degree of richness or intensity

Transformation:
-change in form, appearance, nature, or character
-a marked change, as in appearance or character, usually for the better
-a qualitative change

So, how do these "words" relate to each other? Any insights?

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

2 Corinthians 3:18